By Lee Baas, PhD, Psychologist
A few months back, I said that I would write a follow up article to “Your Health – Your Attitude,” that would deal with anger. This is the follow up article.
Do you get angry? Really angry? Very angry?
If you are very angry much of the time, please see a health professional that can help you. You must get help with this stress-related issue.
The biggest killer is not cancer, but stress. Anger really raises havoc with your stress level. High stress levels boost your chances of having a stroke or heart attack.
Knowing how to control anger is such an important issue that I include it in many of the seminars I conduct.
Let me give you my simple observation as to when and why you get angry.
You get angry when you cannot control a situation. That’s it. Think about it. Does this address your anger?
- You are trying to get something done or watch a program and your kids are making too much noise. You keep telling them to be quiet and it doesn’t work. You explode with anger.
- You work hard on an assignment for your boss or teacher. They reject your ideas and you slam the door in anger.
- Your mate and you are just not getting along. It seems that your mate disagrees with you almost all of the time. Pressure builds up and you scream in anger.
When you find that you are unable to control a situation, you get angry. This, of course, does not make the situation any better. It raises your blood pressure to a dangerous level and you have made the situation harder to address.
I hear you say, “It is not my fault, other people make me angry.” What actually happened is that you felt it very necessary to control the situation and couldn’t.
I remember reading a Chinese proverb that said, “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.”
Can we call your anger problem a control problem?
Let me ask you a question, “Why do you need to control every situation?”
Most of us are hungry for recognition. We need to be validated for what we know, who we are, and what we do. We somehow believe that the only way we get that validation is by having people recognize our authority.
Let me list a few things that will help you to control your anger.
- Decide what is the most important. Let’s call that value formation. Do you want to be known as someone with an anger problem or as a peacemaker and problem solver?
- Recognize that anger generally grows when we fail to understand what the other person wants or needs. If you help them meet their need, you will receive recognition.
- Listen to what the other person has to say. Why do the children keep making noise? Why is your work criticized? Find out what they need and you will be validated by their action.
- Ask yourself, “Why do I have to be in control? Why do I have to win the argument? The real winner is the one who takes time to listen, ask questions, and helps those who challenge their authority.
James had a problem — an anger problem. He was fired from his last three jobs and he was probably going to be fired from the job he was doing. He said that it was always the fault of others.
They didn’t know as much as he did. He believed that it wasn’t right for him to do the job their way when he knew how to do it better. He became angry when they questioned his way of doing things.
I worked with him to see the value of listening to others. In spite of all he knew, he could learn more from others. I challenged him to validate others. To tell them what he liked about their work.
He said that would be hard for him to do, but he would try because he didn’t want to lose his job.
Each time a new challenge came up, we discussed it and agreed as to how he could respond. He not only kept his job but his kids love their dad who has time to listen to them.
Lee Baas, a psychologist, works with WITS (Walking In Their Shoes) International. They provide free supportive psychological services on-site to those who are doing humanitarian service internationally. For more information, visit online at www.witsinternational.com.