By MaryBeth Cunningham, Center Therapist, Center for Prevention of Abuse
People who have never been abused often wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave. They don’t understand that splitting up can be more complicated than it seems. By nature, we are creatures of habit. For most of us, change is uncomfortable. For some, it is nothing short of painful… and the accompanying fear of the unknown, excruciating. For many of us, change only occurs when our current path is more painful than the path to change would be. This is the case for the most important life-changing decisions that we make; leaving an abusive relationship is no exception.
Domestic Violence Defined
Domestic violence is a PATTERN of coercive and controlling behaviors and tactics used by one person over another to gain power and control. This may include verbal abuse, financial abuse, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. Domestic violence occurs in heterosexual, as well as same-sex, partnerships, and crosses all ethnic, racial, and socio-economic lines.
What Domestic Violence Is Not
A big difference exists between an abusive partner repeatedly committing violent acts, and a nonviolent relationship in which a single argument went too far. Domestic violence is not a single argument, nor does it mean the occasional argument or disagreement that many couples encounter.
Rationalizing
Though domestic violence is repetitive and predictable, it is also intermittent; so the victim may see the rest of the relationship as good enough — or even loving. Many times victims often rationalize that they aren’t really being abused, that their partner really loves them despite being abusive, and that makes it okay. Victims will generate excuses thinking of each abuse episode as a “one time” thing (even when it isn’t), and will focus on the good aspects of the relationship, convincing themselves that everyone has some problems in a relationship. For those with poor self-esteem, the rationalizations may be thoughts such as “I don’t deserve any better,” or “This is the best relationship I’ve had in my life.” Perhaps one of the most formidable and dangerous obstacles abuse victims face is their own searing guilt and shame. They’re incredibly adept at blaming themselves for the abuse. Domestic violence can be confusing and frustrating to understand — both for the person experiencing it, and those who witness it (or hear about it). It is not a cut and dry or black and white situation. The complexities of the relationship are still present amidst the violence.
Hurdles to Leaving
The same methods that abusers use to harm their victims are the methods they use to keep and control their victims. Often, the abuse happens so gradually that the person being harmed does not note the severity of the abuse.
A person who has been abused and exploited stays for some or many of the following reasons:
- Nowhere to Go: There is a fear that there is nowhere to go or no one to turn to once the relationship has ended. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner, or if the abusive partner has isolated them from their friends and/or family.
- Parenting: There is pressure to raise the children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm the children, or to make false allegations against them in court.
- Believing Abuse Is Normal: Many victims of abuse do not know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common.
- Fear of Being Outed: Being in a same-sex relationship and not ready to “come out” is very difficult, especially when a partner threatens to reveal this secret. Being outed feels especially scary for young people who are just beginning to explore their sexuality.
- Love: Many victims hang on to the hope that their abuser will change. If a person you love tells you they’ll change, you want to believe them. Many only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.
- Cultural/Religious Reasons: Culture or religion may influence some victims to stay, rather than end the relationship, for fear of bringing shame upon themselves or their family.
- Lack of Money: Being financially dependent on an abusive partner can make it seem impossible to leave the relationship.
- Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If a person is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be very difficult and frightening to express the depth of their situation to others.
The best way to help alleviate the fears is to reach out for help and safety planning with qualified professionals. The Center for Prevention of Abuse has long recognized ALL victims of abuse. We provide counseling and therapy services, legal and medical advocacy, case management services, and can assist with safe housing.
For help, or to talk to someone, call The Center at 309-691-0551. Services are FREE and CONFIDENTIAL.
Sources available upon request.
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