Afriend, who prefers to remain anonymous, wrote this article and sent it to me. While alcoholism isn’t a cause of interpersonal violence directly, it’s an issue that is connected. Often, victims of violence resort to substance abuse to cope with their situations and just as often, abusers become more violent under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Therefore, I am happy to share this information with the readers of Healthy Cells whether or not abuse and violence are part of the mix in a particular relationship. It’s good information for anyone dealing with substance abuse issues.
— Martha Herm, Executive Director, The Center for Prevention of Abuse
If you are reading this article, you may be realizing that someone who is important to you is an alcoholic. You may have read books, seen a counselor, or attended Al-Anon meetings. Putting together the pieces to help you understand alcoholism is a lot of work and emotionally draining. The purpose of this article is to consolidate a number of observations that will help you sort through what you can do to help yourself. The emphasis is not about helping the alcoholic — it is about your preserving yourself and those you love who are also involved with the alcoholic.
What You Need to Know:
- Alcohol is the total and complete center in the alcoholic’s life — more important than family, friends, work, or anything else.
- Alcoholism is much more common than you think. It may have taken a very long time for you to realize the person in your life is an alcoholic because drinking is a part of our social and work life.
- The term “functional alcoholic” is a contradiction. You may see “functional” as meaning the individual gets up and goes to work everyday, but what happens after work? As the disease progresses, you will note that even this level of function is also affected.
- Alcohol affects the brain. One area affected from continued drinking is the one that controls emotions. You will find that you will not get emotional support from an alcoholic. He or she may say the right things, but observe the person’s behaviors and actions and you will see that something is missing, including follow through on promises made.
- You will not get a true reading of how sick the alcoholic is in the middle of the relationship. Only when you distance yourself can you truly observe actions and behaviors.
- Because alcohol is so important in his or her life, the alcoholic is extremely manipulative about finding ways to keep drinking after promising to stop. It is important to pay attention as the alcoholic may keep a stash in hidden places, find excuses to leave the house often, mix vodka with fruit juice and keep it in juice bottles — the possibilities are endless.
- The on-again, off-again control over drinking will erode your trust.
- Can an alcoholic just stop? He or she needs to discover what triggers the drinking and pain, and continually work to overcome the addiction. Often this requires outside help, including Alcoholics Anonymous, counseling, and treatment centers. The alcoholic may be in total denial and not admit that there is a problem. The first step is for the alcoholic to admit that there is a problem.
- Untreated alcoholics will suffer a downward spiral, losing their families, friends, jobs, and other supports. The illness increases susceptibilities to a number of serious illnesses and can result in death.
- Family intervention can help the alcoholic face and admit the problem. There are professionals who can guide you through this experience
What You Can Do:
- When someone you care about has cancer or heart disease, you support him or her by staying with them and helping them in any way you can. When someone you love is an alcoholic who will not admit the problem, you and your family can leave. If you are staying in the relationship, you are approving the status quo. Inadvertently, you are giving the appearance that the alcoholic is someone who can sustain a meaningful relationship, while you are giving up on yourself. You may feel guilty, sad, angry, helpless, used and abused — and these emotions may make it difficult for you to act. But you must preserve and protect yourself.
- You will come to know that there are worse things than being alone.
- Watching a person become depressed, abusive, inarticulate, clumsy and glazed is a painful process. While you have anger and hatred toward the alcohol, you must work to separate your feelings about the person from your feelings about the addiction. Guard against bitterness — remember you are not the only person or family to fight this fight and there is help.
- If you are part of a family relating to the alcoholic, talk to each other, being careful to support each other without using the alcoholic as a scapegoat or martyr. Work on helping each other — each in his or her own way. Allow love to remain in the relationship with the alcoholic, remembering who they were prior to becoming completely involved with the substance.
- Cultivate distance to allow yourself stay on an even keel. Alcoholism is a disease — you did not create the addiction and you cannot stop it. Watching the alcoholic slide downward is extremely painful, but you could not stop him or her when you were in the relationship, and you cannot help when your relationship has changed.
- Take care of yourself. Find a good counselor with whom you can discuss your concerns and move to another counselor if you cannot relate to the current one. Counselors give trained, objective insights and allow you to compartmentalize your conversations on the topic so the process of working through your pain doesn’t have to dominate all your relationships.
- Attend Al-Anon meetings — give them some time to see if they help you. The 12-Step program is a guideline for spiritual development for everyone.
- Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people, books and entertainment.
- Keep a journal of your experiences. As you read through it, you will see growth. This journal is for you so you can be completely honest and express your anger, frustration, and fears. You can list your plans and hopes for yourself so you can keep a positive focus.
- Remember to be kind to yourself and others.
- If the alcoholic is violent or bullying you or family members, you need to avoid all contact.
There is hope and you are not alone. With the many obstacles that can be associated with alcoholism, help can be provided. There are several resources available that can help you or a loved one on the road to recovery.
For more information or help, please contact the Human Service Center at 800-475-0257 or www.fayettecompanies.org, Alcoholics Anonymous, or your health care provider.
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