By Maggie Classen, LCSW
As a therapist working with children and adolescents, it is not uncommon for me to work with families going through divorce or needing to work through the emotional aftermath that divorce can bring. In this process, I am often asked what is in the best interest of the child regarding visitation with the non-custodial parent.
There are two areas one has to examine before this question can be answered. First, it must be determined the other parent is not abusive or neglectful to the child. There are parents whose presence in a child’s life can be more detrimental than their absence. However, I say this with great caution, as a parent concerned about this issue needs to speak with a professional, such as a child therapist or a child abuse and neglect investigator, in order to make an informed decision on the matter.
The second area that needs to be examined before determining visitation structure is the age and stage of development of the child. One of the most important aspects of healthy development comes from healthy attachment. Beverly James, in Handbook for Treatment of Attachment-Trauma Problems in Children, defines attachment as “a reciprocal, enduring, emotional, and physical affiliation between a child and a caregiver. Attachment provides the building blocks of children’s development. Youngsters learn to modulate affect, soothe themselves, and relate to others through these relationships.” During a conference on childhood abuse and neglect, Dr. Bruce Perry expressed the belief that our grandmothers were right. It’s not about how much Mozart we play for our children in their infancy, it is about how much we hold them, rock them, and bond with them that creates healthy brain development.
Dr. Mitchell Baris and Dr. Carla Garrity give an informative outline of helpful visitation schedules for children based on their age and level of development in their book, Children of Divorce: A Developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation. In this publication they discuss three guiding principles to examine when establishing a residence and visitation schedule.
The first guideline is to minimize loss. Try to keep change as minimal as possible. For example, if the children are going to be primarily residing with Mom, but are very used to having Dad be an active part of their lives, parents need to work together to ensure that he is still able to be as involved as possible, given the circumstances. This also means trying to limit other changes, both at school and at home, whenever possible.
The second guideline is to maximize relationships with each parent. This piece can change in presentation based on the age of the child. If parents divorce when children are infants or are very young, “it is the parent who has had less involvement in the physical care of the child who needs to be patient.” As an example, for children aged infant to two and a half, establishing a short but frequent visitation schedule would be most conducive for attachment. Thus, frequent visitation would be daily or close to it (Baris & Garrity, 1988).
The third and final guideline is to allow children to master age appropriate developmental tasks. This means looking at where they should be developmentally and being flexible with visitation arrangements, based on the child’s developmental progress.
In Dr. Johnston and Dr. Rosenby’s book, In The Name of the Child: A Developmental Approach to Understanding and Helping Children of Conflicted and Violent Divorce, they report, “children are [negatively] affected by on-going parental conflict; for over 2 million children this condition may be permanent.” Divorce is not to be glossed over and children have the right to grieve. However, healing and healthy growth after divorce is possible. Being mindful of establishing developmentally appropriate visitation is a major part of this process. Parents need to continue to be aware of minimizing loss for their children, maximizing relationships with both parents, and allowing children to master age appropriate developmental tasks. Being mindful of these priorities can help this grieving process to be less painful and allow for children to develop healthy attachments that will serve them well in their lifetime.
The Antioch Group, Inc. is located at 6615 N. Big Hollow Road, Peoria, IL 61615. For more information about counseling for blended families, and other programs and services offered, please visit us on the web at www.antiochgroup.com, on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/antiochgroup, or call 309-692-6622.
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