By Ted Chapin, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Trained Family Mediator, Chapin & Russell Associates
There is often nothing more frustrating and painful than being unable to successfully resolve an important problem with someone you love. Common family problems involve disputes about money, parenting, in-laws, and sex. When people become locked into a particular position in response to a problem, their instinct is to defend and justify their position. This only serves to shut down meaningful dialogue. In this state, listening, understanding each other’s needs, and effective problem-solving simply cannot occur. The consequences are anger, stonewalling, and eventually detachment; the very things that tear family relationships apart.
Although mental health and/or substance abuse problems may be at the core of some dysfunctional family interactions, this is not always the case. All too frequently, reasonable people, with the best of intentions, push each other apart because they don’t know any other way to respond. Conflict is not an easy thing to face and fear of making it worse only serves to widen the distance. As a result, positions often deepen, problems go unresolved, and the benefits of loving and supportive family relationships are lost.
Counseling or family therapy, while useful, may not be called for in these situations. A special skill set, focused on conflict resolution and strategies to help move people off their positions, is required. This skill set is called, “family mediation.” Its basic tenant presumes that the needs behind peoples’ positions are very important. These need to be explored, understood, and fully considered through open, respectful dialogue, before effective problem-solving can occur. The mediator’s vital role is to facilitate family discussion so thoughts and feelings can be more fully understood and common ground established. This increases the possibility of successful problem-solving and restoration of more caring family interaction. Of course, this is not always easily accomplished. Trust can take time to rebuild. In addition, honest self-reflection and a willingness to respect different viewpoints are often necessary. The benefits, however, are well worth the effort. Anger can turn into understanding and forgiveness, stonewalling into open communication, and detachment into reconnection with loved family members.
The issues brought to mediation can seem insurmountable. Parent-child alienation, divorce co-parenting plans, and post-divorce conflicts, can be especially difficult to approach. However, with sufficient courage, open-mindedness, and a bit of faith, even some of the most difficult conflicts can be brought to better understanding and potential resolution. If you or someone you know could benefit from family mediation services, do not hesitate to reach out to a trained family mediator. These may be therapists, attorneys or other health care professionals who have been specially trained to facilitate the effective resolution of family conflict. Not only may you get help in resolving a long-standing family problem but you may also become better skilled at resolving future problems before they turn into painful disputes.
For more information or to make an appointment, call 309-681-5850 or go to www.chapinandrussell.com.
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