By Carol Merna, Executive Director, The Center for Prevention of Abuse
Getting hurt was the furthest thing from Kaley’s mind when she started dating Ethan. He held her hand and sometimes sang to her in the hallways at school. On Valentine’s Day, he gave her flowers and told her how much he cared for her. Yet, after a few months together, Kaley lay crumpled on the floor after receiving a swift backhand to the side of her face. She had been late, causing them to miss the start of a movie he wanted to see. “What just happened?” she quickly asked in her mind. She was stunned. “It was my fault for being late,” Kaley thought to herself. Ethan apologized and kissed away the few tears she shed. “It won’t happen again,” he assured her.
In a recent national Youth Risk Behavior Survey, one in 10 teens admits to being hit or physically hurt on purpose by a boyfriend or a girlfriend in the 12 months preceding the survey. Moreover, during the 12 months before the survey, The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) tells us that one in 10 teens reported they had been kissed, touched, or physically forced to have sexual intercourse that they did not want or consent to at least once by someone they were dating.
Joe had only recently become close to David. They were 16. David hung out with some cool people and made Joe feel important just to be with him. Over time, David became jealous and possessive, accusing Joe of lying and cheating. He tried hard to isolate Joe, demanding the password to his phone and demanding a near hourly account of Joe’s whereabouts. David’s suspicious nature was never satisfied, and he was often verbally abusive, calling Joe terrible names. Joe assured others that, while David may seem a little different, he was certain that he cared about him deeply.
Unhealthy relationships can start at a very young age and last a lifetime. Teens often think some behaviors, like taking their partner’s phone or teasing and name calling, are an accepted and routine part of a relationship. However, these behaviors can become abusive and develop into more serious forms of violence.
The Center for Prevention of Abuse is diligent in their prevention education work. Anti-bullying, peaceful conflict resolution, empathy, bias-based language and behavior, and the value of healthy relationships are at the core of our curriculum. While our 10 professional prevention educators reach at least 30,000 students in the tri-county area each year with age appropriate, evidence-based, comprehensive lessons, we simply cannot do it alone.
According to Youth.gov, teen dating violence can be any one, or a combination, of the following forms:
- Physical. This includes pinching, hitting, shoving, or kicking.
- Emotional. This involves threatening a partner or harming his or her sense of self-worth. Examples include name calling, controlling/jealous behaviors, consistent monitoring, shaming, bullying (online, texting, and in person), intentionally embarrassing him/her, keeping him/her away from friends and family.
- Sexual. This is defined as forcing a partner to engage in a sex act when he or she does not or cannot consent.
Teen dating violence is preventable. It is important to construct places where the behavioral norms are not tolerant of abuse in dating relationships. Parents, family members, teachers, coaches, friends, and mentors can make all the difference. The central message of how to expect, and accept, respect must be clear.
Nevertheless, help is available for young people already caught in an abusive relationship. According to the Love is Respect organization, don’t be afraid to reach out to a loved one or friend who may need help. Tell them there is concern for their safety. Be supportive and listen patiently. Acknowledge their feelings and be respectful of their decisions. Helping someone recognize that the abuse is not “normal” and is not their fault is important. Everyone deserves a healthy, non-violent relationship. It is crucial to let them know that resources like The Center for Prevention of Abuse and LoveisRespect.org are available around the clock.
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. It is a national effort to raise understanding about dating violence, promote programs that support young people, and encourage communities to prevent this form of abuse. We welcome you to join The Center in promoting healthy relationships and freedom from violence and abuse.
If you know a young person in an unhealthy dating relationship, LoveisRespect.org has online chat available 24/7 as well as a hotline at 1-866-331-8453. Anyone in an abusive relationship should feel comfortable to contact The Center’s crisis hotline for help at 1-800-559-SAFE (7233), or visit our website at centerforpreventionofabuse.org.