By Heidi Van Heuklon, LCPC, Clinical Director, Center for Prevention of Abuse
April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month and Sexual Assault Awareness Month. At the Center for Prevention of Abuse, our focus has increased over the years in the area of prevention and training in the hopes that we can lower the crime rates of child sexual abuse. As a child sexual abuse therapist, I have found that one of the most important things that a parent can do to help prevent sexual abuse is to be aware of the red flags to look for and to talk to your child about body safety and safe versus unsafe secrets throughout their childhood years.
We see about 150 children and teens at the Center each year that have experienced sexual abuse, and 95 percent of them knew their offender. Abusers included family members, teachers, youth pastors, and coaches. We hear from child sexual abuse survivors about the many tactics that their offenders used to get them to go along with the abuse. The survivors wish other children knew about these tactics so they could watch for them.
The main tactics offenders use include threats, force, bribes, tricks, and grooming. Most parents understand the dynamics of many of these strategies, but the one we find parents are the least knowledgeable about is grooming. Grooming is used by sexual predators in a very intentional way. The offenders begin by placing themselves in a position to have access to children, whether it is through their job, volunteering, or in a family relationship. There tend to be six identifiable stages of the grooming process:
Targeting: The offender looks to build a relationship with a child. Many times, the offender will target a child who has increased risk factors, such as a child who comes from a single-parent home or who may have less parental supervision, a child with low self-esteem, or a child who tends to be in trouble a lot.
Gaining trust: The offender spends a great deal of time getting to know the child’s interests and developing common interests with them. This is also the stage where offenders may set themselves up to make children feel like they are the only adults in their lives who listen to them or love them unconditionally. The relationship starts to take on a more special meaning to the child. This is when the parent would see the child and the offender start to spend more time together or have an increase in communication, even through e-mails or text messages. On the outside, this can still look very appropriate. The offender will also start to try out small scenarios of keeping secrets with the child to see if they will tell their parent. There has been no sexual contact yet at this stage.
Filling a need: This stage brings more contact opportunities between the offender and the child. The offender may offer to help the parent out by giving rides to activities or buying the child things they have interests in that their parents haven’t bought them yet. The offender will generally also have more lenient rules than the child’s parents to make the child look at them as the exception to other adults in their life.
Isolation: The offender finds further ways to isolate the child to create opportunities for the two of them to be alone. This can still look very normal or appropriate on the outside to the parent. The child may tell the parent that their teacher wants the child to stay after school for extra homework help, or the coach wants to keep the child after practice for extra one-on-one practice, or the youth pastor wants the child to go with them to an activity.
Sexualizing the relationship: During this stage, normal, appropriate kinds of touches turn into confusing, inappropriate touches, and the offender takes a very gradual approach to see if the child will continue to keep secrets.
Gaining control: The offender may use blame or guilt to keep the child’s silence as the sexual abuse occurs. Many times, the child has such great love or respect for the offender by this point that they don’t want the offender to get into trouble if they tell about the sexual abuse.
Grooming can be one of the most difficult things for kids and parents to recognize as a tactic of child sexual abuse, especially because it may happen so gradually over time. If parents are open with children about red flags to look for in someone, then children will be better prepared to handle any inappropriate situation and seek help.
The Center for Prevention of Abuse works in Central Illinois to support victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, elder abuse, and the abuse of adults with disabilities. If you or someone you know is a victim of abuse, contact the Center for help.
We are available 24/7, and all victim services are free and confidential. Individual and group counseling is available to survivors and their family members at no cost. Additionally, the Center provides 24-hour medical advocacy and support to any sexual assault survivor who comes to a local emergency room for a sexual assault exam, along with court advocacy services to assist survivors in obtaining legal protection from their offenders or guiding them through the criminal court process. Call: 309-691-0551. Crisis Line: 1-800-559-SAFE (7233). Visit us online: www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org.
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