By Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women
I have observed over the years many intelligent, successful women who are mismatched with a life partner or significant other. For some, this is not a single experience but a pattern of choosing partners who are needy and dysfunctional. Woman who are charming, well-educated, and successfully employed who compromise their lives and futures by committing to a man that is obviously Mr. Wrong.
John Farrar, an author and therapist, says, “It appears to cross all age, ethnic, and socioeconomic lines. The pattern is one in which females of virtually any age, from teens to seniors, attach themselves to males who are significantly less capable, achieving or functional than they are.”
Mr. Farrar refers to it as a “recurring nightmare.” His published research comes from working with and surveying over 300 women.
“My investigation led me to the identification of six causes, or ‘strands’ as I identify them, that lead to these relationship decisions,” Farrar says. “I refer to them as strands because there appears to be many ‘fibers’ that combine to produce the motivation embodied in that strand. In addition, often women have been able to point to more than one motivation, one strand that generated (their) relational choice.” The strands are:
- Poor self-esteem or poor self-concept which leads the woman to believe that she is getting all she deserves in her relationship even though friends and family may clearly see the obvious mismatch.
- Nurturing which many anthropologists identify as caretaking and believe is biologically rooted in a woman’s nature. While men, through the millennia, have been hunter-gatherers, women tended to the nest and the offspring. It is a traditionally held view that, even in the age of computers, feminism and the two-income household, women retain their biologically driven instincts to look after others.
- Excitement, which explains certain women being drawn to “bad boys.” So do nice guys finish last? To the women and girls in this strand, the answer is yes. These men are seen as more challenging and more exciting than more conventional good guys.
- The need to be nurtured which makes many women vulnerable to a “sugar daddy.” This man brings elements of status to the relationship, Farrar says, such as a nice car, extravagant trips or lavish spending.
- Control is a common strand identified by more mature women, Farrar notes. “This strand is, in many ways, more complex and difficult to understand fully than many of the others,” he says. “Its origins may be the most difficult to trace and, in all likelihood, probably has its beginnings in many disparate areas. The female who is seeking control, either consciously or unconsciously, may be exhibiting learned behavior from a dominant mother.” In these relationships, he says, either underlying insecurity is guiding these women to needier males, or the women are simply acting out their commitment to a feminist view, which makes them determined not to be dominated by any man.
- Chemistry is the miscellaneous, “there’s just something about him — a certain je ne sais quoi,” catchall strand. “Chemistry addresses the inexplicable biological magnetism and is aimed at accounting for relationships which do not fit into any of the previous five (strands). It accounts for relationships between individuals for whom there are no obvious common interests or personality matches. It also explains why a woman is drawn to a male who, on a more rational, cognitive level, she concedes has seemingly little to offer in terms of physical appearance or social status.”
So how can you change and make healthier decisions about relationships? Farrar developed strategies to help women. Among his suggestions:
- Recognize personal tendencies.
- Recognize that sense of self determines direction.
- Understand that personal beliefs and ideas are the basis of personal choices.
- Learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
- While biology is a powerful influence, understand that individuals ultimately retain the power to shape their choices.
- Do the right thing. Come to grips with family background, values, and cultural influences.
Also significant to a pattern of unhealthy relationships: sex outside the bounds of a committed relationship. It is said that women have sex to get love and men say they love them to get sex. Said another way, sex represents commitment to most women while to most men it’s just sex. Abstinence benefits a clearer, more objective evaluation of a relationship’s potential.
Therapy helps you identify your faulty thinking and how to avoid repeating past mistakes. Our thoughts affect not only our individual lives but also the totality of life around us. Where you put your energy in thought is important. You have the ability to create a meaningful life by changing the way you think.
Bonnie Harken, NCLC, founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women, has been in the mental health field since 1987. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women, where you can begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction, and passion. Call 1-800-348-0937 or visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com.
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