By Phillip J. Ladd, LCPC, Co-President, Christian Psychological Associates and John R. Day & Associates, Ltd.
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| Phillip J. Ladd, LCPC |
Over and over again I have heard statements such as “I have fallen out of love” or “I have fallen in love.” Unfortunately, these statements most of the time have nothing to do with real, true love. Scott Peck, in his book, The Road Less Traveled, wrote: “Love is not a feeling.” He further writes: “The misconception that love is a feeling exists because we confuse cathecting with loving.”
Webster’s New World Dictionary tells us that cathecting is to concentrate psychic energy on a person or object. Scott Pecks tells us that “Cathecting… is the process by which an object becomes important to us. Once cathected, the object, commonly referred to as a ‘love object,’ is invested with our energy as if it was a part of ourselves, and this relationship between us and the invested object is called a cathexis.” Webster’s New World Dictionary tells us that cathexis is used by Freud and that it is psychoanalysis concentrating of psychic energy on some particular person, thing, idea, or aspect of the self. Scott Peck also tells us that: “The process of withdrawing our energy from a love object so that it loses its sense of importance for us is known as decathecting. The misconception that love is a feeling exists because we confuse cathecting with loving.”
Unfortunately this feeling of love seems real. There is often a strong feeling of connectedness that seems to answer a void in our lives. We may also find ourselves mirroring the other person, which I see as seeing ourselves in the other person. We may even have a true endorphin rush where we conclude that somehow we have found true love. However, this is not the case. Scott Peck further writes: “The common tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love allows people all manner of self-deception.” I unfortunately find that this self-deception is so strong that the persons involved in these feelings of love make decisions that affect the rest of their lives and often cause much pain, not only with the couple but with many other family and friends.
I often find this self-deception becoming stronger with the idea, in this feeling of falling in love, the person has suddenly found their soul mate. Webster’s New World Dictionary tells us that a soul mate is “a person of the opposite sex, with whom one has a deeply personal relationship.” Wikipedia says that “Soul mate is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, friendship, love, intimacy, sexuality, and/or compatibility.” Wikipedia further states that “A related concept is that of twin flame or twin soul — thought to be the ultimate soulmate, the one and only other half of one’s soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.” Unfortunately, this concept of twin souls is not a Christian concept. Wikipedia further states “There is a prevalent concept in some segments of the New Age movement that some souls are literally made and/or fated to be the mates of each other, or to play certain other important roles in each others’ lives.” In the April 2002 issue of the Oprah magazine, David Popenoe, PhD, co-director of the National Marriage Project writes, “A soul mate means a person who is exactly right for you, with who you have perfect chemistry. In theory, the concept is terrific. But searching and believing in a soul mate is not helpful. Anyone has hundreds of potential marriage partners. It’s a terrible idea to look for a perfect match. He does not exist.”
Many people claim that their soul mate completes them. Greek Philosopher Plato actually talked about the idea of a soul mate completing us. Over two thousand years ago, Plato believed that a person was split in two. Therefore, we live our lives searching for that missing other person who completes us.1 I respectfully disagree with Plato. We need to find completeness and wholeness within ourselves and in our relationship with God. Psychologically, this is may be part of the quest for “self-actualization” which I believe that we never truly find in this life. Self-actualization is at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (1954) and if possible to achieve, can only be done when all the other needs are met. Spiritually, this completeness is to be found in Christ as one is “transformed by the renewing of their minds (Romans 12:2).” Too often, people look for this completeness and wholeness by searching for their “soul mate.” However, this void that tempts them to look outward for answers is an inward and spiritual issue.
Love is a choice, not just a feeling. True love comes with a commitment to love. The “feeling” type of pseudo love just doesn’t work. True love comes to pass by a person’s choice. It is a commitment that often takes self discipline and sacrifice. The quest for true love takes work; it doesn’t just happen. Like self-actualization, we may never find true, unconditional love in this life — but I believe that it is still to be our quest. Striving for this type of love finds one struggling and sacrificing to find what St. Paul in Scripture describes for us in 1 Corinthians 13: 4- 8a — “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” This type of love is much more than a feeling. It is a commitment that includes struggle and self denial. This is the type of love that works.
For more information, contact John R. Day & Associates, Christian Psychological Associates, located at 3716 West Brighton Avenue, Peoria at or their locations in Normal, Canton, Pekin, Princeton, or Eureka. Call us at 309-692-7755 or visit us online: christianpsychological.org.
Sources: 1. Plato’s Symposium in the Portable Plato, Scott Buchanan, pp. 146-148
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