By Robert Beach, LCSW, True North Solutions
Parents often report high levels of stress and frustration when trying to get their children to do what they need to do. Getting children to complete homework, brush teeth, or help with chores around the house can seem like monumental tasks. Parenting doesn’t have to feel like a constant war with your children. Below are some helpful and easy tips aimed to make this parenting struggle just a bit easier.
Quick Tips:
Work collaboratively to work towards change/improvement. Instead of a dictatorship, try a democracy. Get your child’s input, have an open conversation about what’s working and not working. Your child might surprise you with their insight.- Focus on desirable behaviors. Spend your time working on what you want your child to do, instead of past negative behaviors. Focusing on instructions about what to do instead of what not to do will set up a more positive learning situation.
- Look at past successes. Brainstorm times when your child had success doing the desired behavior in the past, find out what worked, and repeat!
- Remember “baby steps”! Set your child up for success, not failure. Start with small, attainable goals with reasonable timelines. Don’t expect them to do all their chores on the first day. Once they reach their first goal, celebrate, reward, and increase the difficulty of the next goal. Your child’s self-efficacy (one’s belief in one’s own ability to complete a task or reach goals) will increase with these successes. With continued progress, you’ll eventually get to the long-term goal.
- Find a motivator. Change isn’t easy and we all need a reason to work towards change. Find what motivates your child and a way to use that to your advantage. There are millions of things that might motivate them. Some kids like praise when they do well, while others like to work for TV or computer time. Some children might be motivated to know that their new behavior makes your life easier or improves your relationship.
- Positive reinforcement. This ties into what motivates them. Remember to catch your child “being good.” Make sure it is an immediate reinforcement, as a delayed reinforcement doesn’t work as well. You will have better outcomes with praising the good behaviors versus threatening and punishing negative behaviors, which lead to increased conflict, defiant behaviors, and a hostile environment.
- Make a behavior chart. Outline desired behaviors in a column on the left and days on the right. Mark with stickers each time the behavior is done as desired. Put the chart somewhere it is seen frequently and at the child’s eyelevel. Remember to put the goal behaviors, the frequency of the behavior, and the time line that you want it done (example: take the trash out three times in one week). Putting a reminder of the reward or benefit of doing behavior is helpful to keep motivation higher. Let your child put the sticker on and remember to celebrate!
-
What about timeouts? Timeouts can be helpful and effective when trying to teach children about decreasing high emotions and problem behavior. Make the timeout brief and immediate. It is important for you to remain calm and demonstrate good emotional control. This also might mean that you need to take a timeout as well. When tension has decreased, you and the child can have a discussion about what went wrong and how to improve going forward.
It must be noted that the above tips will not work every time or for every situation. Human behaviors are influenced by many factors and can take time to change. If you have questions or concerns about child behavioral problems, it may be necessary to seek professional help by a child specialist.
Robert Beach is a licensed clinical social worker at True North Solutions. He specializes in child and teen issues, substance use, and other mental health issues. True North Solutions is an outpatient counseling center serving children, teens, adults, and families.
For more information about True North Solutions or to set up an appointment, please call 309-589-1011 or visit our website at www.truenorthsolutions.org.