By Paul Schellenberg, MA, LCPC
I remember as a child a song that I sang in Sunday school at my local church which had the chorus, “Be careful little ears what you hear.”
The song also included a couple of the other senses like vision and feeling. It was a cute song warning youngsters about how important it is to avoid things that can derail an emotionally developing child. Now, as a therapist, I want to add an adult verse to that song that says, “Be careful older mouths what you say.” As I am working through the copyright and lyrical issues with making this song, I want to take a break and discuss the point. Little ears hear what big mouths have to say. Kids listen to everything their parents tell them. When a parent tells them positive things and compliments them, then the kids are listening. At the same time, when the parent berates their children, the children are listening. What kids listen to becomes what they believe as adolescents and young adults.
Parents have an incredible responsibility to their children to put them in the best chance for success as they age. If a parent is encouraging to their child and offers supportive statements throughout their early life, then the chances of that child growing up with a healthy self-esteem is very high. A parent who makes “jokes” about their children being a burden or a failure is increasing the chances of a child developing a poor self-image.
After a parent has said a comment about their child, either positive or negative, then the child has this idea in their little minds. This idea can then grow into a positive or negative self belief, depending on the nature of the original comment. If the comment was negative, then there is a high risk that this idea will become a false belief about themselves and can shape the way in which the child views behaviors. An example is if a young girl hears that she is a word that would communicate a sexually irresponsible person, then that little girl can enter into puberty already believing she is not worth anything unless she is a sexually promiscuous. Another example is if a little boy hears that only “sissies” cry and real men take care of their problems with force. That little boy can live his life believing that bullying and hurting others is the only way to deal with problems.
If you or someone you know was influenced by the comments of adults from the past, then EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is an effective and efficient therapy to dispel these false beliefs. EMDR works with negative false beliefs and helps a person re-process old wounds from the past to help provide a better future. I encourage all parents to be careful what they say around their children because little ears are always listening, whether you want them to or not.
Paul Schellenberg is a licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. He specializes in sports and student anxiety, trauma and mood disorders, emotional barriers, coping skills, depression, working with both children and adults. For more information, please visit www.pschellenberg.com or call 309-696-0267.