By Luke Dalfiume, PhD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Co-Owner, John R. Day & Associates, Christian Psychological Associates
Most of us long to be close to others. If we are fortunate, we have some people in our lives we can say we have intimate relationships with, feeling known and cared for by them and knowing and caring for them in return. However, as simple as this may sound, for most of us this kind of relationship is a rare find. I have come to think of the experience of this kind of intimacy as “magic,” because of the rareness and emotional power of this kind of relating.
The most basic factor involved in a healthy relationship is availability. We cannot be close to anyone without making ourselves present to interact with them. At times this is inconvenient, but, if we are to have depth of connection, we must make regular time a priority. I think sometimes, when we are feeling lonely, we hope that a special friend or romantic interest will just “fall into” our lives. However, this is Disney-type fantasy thinking. The way close relationships typically happen is through repeated interactions. I encourage intentional availability for those who are desiring more intimacy in their lives. Functionally, this means not only accepting invitations from others to spend time together, but reaching out to those whom we feel drawn to and initiating social contact.
Another important factor is genuineness. If someone is to know the real us, we need to be transparent and real with them. The psychoanalyst Carl Jung spoke of the persona, and said it is a mix of who we are and who we want others to see. The more our persona reflects who we actually are, the more well-prepared we are to engage in a real relationship with others. This can be challenging, because when we reveal our real self to someone else and they reject us, it is particularly painful. However, this level of risk is not optional if we are to have deeper, more authentic connections.
Grace is necessary to develop a relationship of depth. We all have imperfections. If we focus on either the imperfections of others or on our own imperfections, this will create relational “static” which will keep a deeper, more meaningful connection from happening. If we find ourselves drawn to someone, and they to us, it is because of their and our positive qualities, and not our negative ones. We need to keep our focus on those. This is true even within marriage. The marriage researcher/therapist John Gottman has indicated that 69 percent of relationship conflict is about unsolvable problems. Many of those are going to be about qualities in the other that are not going to change (e.g., being deliberate, or impulsive, or running perpetually late). We need grace, and our best relationships will be characterized by grace from both parties.
For any relationship to last, commitment is important. There are going to be times in a relationship when we do not particularly like or appreciate the other person, or maybe we are preoccupied. However, those who are committed are willing to ride through the darker times because they value the depth of connection they have and they have hope that things will improve in the future. I have a long-term friendship I would have lost when I moved to another state for college, but my friend made a concerted effort to stay in touch. I was so full of new experiences and new people I could have neglected that friendship, but my friend did not. When I work with married couples, very often they come into treatment not really liking each other. One of the things we discuss is how, if they can work through this period and again see the qualities in the other they once valued, they can preserve the shared experiences and history they have together that cannot be valued or captured in the same way with anyone else. This is true in other kinds of relationships as well. We are best served being people of commitments, rather than restless souls ever on the move searching for the perfect relationship.
Luke Dalfiume, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and co-owner of John R. Day & Associates. Christian Psychological Associates is located at 3716 West Brighton Avenue in Peoria (309-692-7755) and 1520 East College Avenue, Suite M in Normal (309-319-7013), and online at www.christianpsychological.org.