By Mary Jennifer Meister, MSW, LCSW, John R. Day and Associates, Christian Psychological Associates
When we think of grief, we think of the death of a loved one. However, we also grieve for abstract things: loss of a job, ended relationships, or medical issues. We can even grieve for lost dreams about our lives or experience grief after a traumatic event. Whatever is causing you to grieve, the important thing to remember is that grief is a normal reaction. It is a healthy response to the loss you are feeling.
Grief is a very personal journey. No one grieves the same way. How long a person needs to grieve is very individual. An individual’s need to grieve cannot be determined by a standard. There is no cure for grief: It is something that is healthy and needs to be done. When you do not allow yourself to grieve, you are being unhealthy. You’re not allowing healing to happen.
Grief is not a pleasant experience. Many people feel intense feelings ranging from deep sadness or depression to anger. You may feel like you are “going crazy.” You are not going crazy; you are experiencing a loss. When experiencing grief, it is important not to push your feelings away. If you need to cry, then cry; if you’re angry, be angry. You need to allow yourself to experience and feel your feelings. You have to face them and process through them. It will be okay. If you don’t do your grief work, there are long-term consequences. Unresolved grief can cause depression, anxiety issues, and even medical issues. When I worked in an emergency room I would have many patients come in who were experiencing medical problems related to unresolved grief issues. Someone once said: “Grief is not a disease, but it can become one.”
How does one start to grieve?
Unfortunately, our culture and lifestyles do not always allow individuals the time to explore their grief. Life continues no matter what. Time does not stop. We have to continue with our lives. It is important to find time to do your grief work. It is important to be able to talk about your losses, whether it is a death, a breakup, or aftermath of trauma. Seek out safe people who will listen to you, whether it’s friends, families, or a professional counselor. It is important to talk about your feelings, not to hold them in. If you’re a creative person, express your feelings through your talent.
I had a patient who lost his mother to cancer. During his mother’s dying process, he took up raising chickens. Those chickens helped him through his grief. He would talk and sometimes even scream at his chickens about his feelings. He would cry with the chickens. It was his way of expressing and coping with his grief.
Writing is another way of working through your grief. Journaling, writing poetry, and writing letters are excellent ways of processing through your feelings. I had a client who composed and wrote a song about her grief of being terminally ill and the loss of her life and dreams. It was very powerful for her and her own grieving process. The song is where she found peace in her process and journey. That song also helped her family in their grieving process.
Faith and spirituality are important in one’s grieving process. Many religions have many mourning traditions that help people in their grief work. Prayer and rituals can be healing to many survivors. Others find support groups helpful.
Give yourself grace. Grief is a journey or process. It is neither linear nor time sensitive. Even twelve years after my father’s death, his death anniversary is always a difficult month. Holidays can trigger the feelings of grief and difficult feelings. It is important to realize that it is very normal and being aware of these feelings is part of coping and dealing with the loss. It is important to take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Do not isolate: It is important to let others travel with you on your journey. They may even have words of wisdom from their own experiences.
Mary Jennifer Meister is a licensed clinical social worker at John R. Day and Associates, Christian Psychological Associates. They have locations in Peoria, Normal, Canton, Pekin, Princeton, and Eureka. For more information or help, call us at 309-692-7755 or visit us online at christianpsychological.org.
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