Submitted by Maggie Classen
Adolescence is a time of significant growth and development. Young people are attempting to figure out who they are, what makes them who they are, and what worth they have in this big world. American society places emphasis on getting what is yours, confidence at the sacrifice of humility, and individualism to the greatest extreme. For some high school and middle school students there can be a direct correlation between popularity and their sense of self-worth. To help our children become caring adults with a positive sense of self, in an atmosphere where popularity reigns, one first needs to examine the social hierarchy that exists during this stage of development.
Famous psychologists Peter and Patricia Adler studied the breakdown of popularity among students in middle school. The findings of this classic research reflect a pattern of popularity that also can be seen in schools today. The results of the study showed that one third of students make up the dominant popular clique. Next, in this hierarchy fall the “wanna be” group, with this group comprising the next 10 percent of students. Following behind this group with 50 percent of all students is a sector is made up of smaller, independent groups. Finally, the remaining 10 percent of students don’t belong to any group.
It is important to note, according to experts, there are two types of popular children. Cillessen and Rose discuss the differences between these two types of individuals in an article titled, Understanding Popularity in the Peer System. One type of popular youth is referred to as “sociometrically popular.” These kids are well-liked by peers and show high levels of cooperative behavior and low aggression.
Interestingly, despite being well liked, these children are often not considered to be the popular kids by their peers. The second kind of popular adolescent is referred to as “perceived popular.” These kids can be nice, however, they can also intimidate when angry and can be manipulative for their own advantage in social situations. One example of a perceived popular child’s maladaptive behavior would be selectively excluding others who may threaten their social standing. Girls who plan outings with their entire sports team, but don’t invite one or two of the girls on the team would be an example of this. Yet, these perceived popular kids, not the sociometrically popular kids are more likely to be defined as popular, to be well known, and to be imitated by their peers.
A study, completed by researchers LaFontana and Cillessen, found that one fourth of kids in 5th to 8th grade and one third of high schoolers consider popularity more important than friendship. This is concerning, as every person, young and old, who has been lucky enough to experience a good friend, can speak to the high value they place on that relationship. Positive psychology posits one of the most rewarding parts of our existence is having solid, healthy relationships with other people. In fact, Dr. Jennifer Crocker of Ohio State University, found that excessive focus on popularity can perpetuate distorted views on relationships. This increased focus on self-image, instead of compassion, can increase competitiveness, anxiety, depression, and a sense of disconnectedness.
When preparing our children to become healthy, competent adults, it is vital that we speak and model healthy relationships, while encouraging concern for all. When children talk with parents about friends and peers at school, asking the following questions can help foster independent thinking and the development of healthy relationships:
- How do you feel when you are with her? Relationships are a prime factor in the development of personality and friendships are important relationships, particularly to this age group. Friendship is about trust and support. Friends are there to build us up and encourage us. Children often struggle with relationship difficulties and helping them evaluate how they feel about a friend can lead to healthier choices.
- What is it that you like about him? This question can help kids evaluate what they look for in a friend and gain understanding into their own relationship styles. I frequently see children grasp for a friendship that may be one-sided. Helping children identify what qualities they are seeking in a friend can help them think critically about current relationships.
- Do you think you are treating people differently based on how popular they are? Part of helping your child learn to develop healthy relationships is helping them evaluate how they treat others. Critical self-evaluation can be difficult for some, but it’s important to remember that feeling good about how you treat others is an indication of true self- worth.
Telling our kids to focus on kindness first, modeling behavior that shows inclusion rather than exclusion, and showing our children the value of true friendship are a few ways to help ensure they grow up to be an asset for humanity and feel an internal sense of positive regard for themselves.
For more information, please contact Agape Counseling, 309-663-2229 or www.agapecounselors.net.