By Melissa Shane, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Chapin Russell & Associates
With a divorce rate of 50 percent for first marriages and 60 percent for second marriages in the United States, it seems only natural that we invest in the emotional wellness of children experiencing parental divorce. Children can benefit from having a neutral professional to vent their feelings and be provided with education and reassurance. Research demonstrates that children can emerge from divorced homes psychologically healthy. The best predictor of how your child will adjust is you. Having a good working relationship with your co-parent is essential. What you do and do not do as a parent often predicts how your child will adjust to your divorce. Here are some basic tips that you, as a parent, can do to help your child adjust to divorce:
Be honest with your child about why you are divorcing.
Keep it simple. Children don’t need to know all the “dirty details” of why you are divorcing. Ideally, you and your co-parent should sit down and tell your children together that you are divorcing. Children need to be reassured that, even though as parents, you may not have all the answers, everything will be OK. They need to be told that “even though the family is changing, that you are still, in fact, a family.” Tell the child it’s not her fault and that she is loved by both parents.
Give your child permission to love and spend time with the other parent.
Yes, that’s right; tell them those exact words. Did you know that children whose parents are divorcing often feel they have to “choose” one parent over the other. Naturally, we don’t ask them to do this, but they often do. They may feel like they are betraying a parent if they have an enjoyable time with the other parent. During and after divorce I often recommend that parents give their children permission to love and spend time with the other parent. After we say it, we need to do it. This is difficult to do if we feel stripped of time with our child, or are still angry with our co-parent. When we deny our child time with the co-parent though, we are asking our children to choose. Remember, research shows that both parents are equally important in parenting their children.
Keep the number of changes your child has to make minimal.
Adjusting to both parents not living in the home full time is difficult enough. Even though it is not always financially feasible to stay in the same home, try to keep your child in the same school. Keep routines standard as much as possible.
Do not talk badly about your co-parent to, or in front of, the child.
This one is tough, especially if you are harboring bad feelings about your ex. Just remember that no matter how you feel, your child still loves both of you. When you say bad things about the co-parent, it is hurtful to the child. Even if what you are saying is true, if it is not helpful to the child then do not say anything. And remember, children are always listening. When you are on the phone venting about your ex, your child is probably hearing it.
Do not use the child as a pawn.
Denying your child time with the co-parent, or conveniently forgetting to tell your co-parent about school events and major milestones, are ways children are used as pawns during divorce.
Do not use the child to send messages to your co-parent.
Do not have your child call or text the co-parent to ask questions about visitation or money. Communicating with the co-parent is your job, not the child’s.
Keep your promises.
If you say you are going to do something then do it. Even if you never used the word “promise,” your child will feel you did. Be on time. If you say you will attend a sporting event or pick your child up at a certain time, then do so. When we are late or don’t keep our promises, we send a message to our children that they are not important and are not a priority.
Keep rules and discipline consistent from household to household.
Even though divorced, parents should do their best to stay consistent in parenting efforts particularly when it comes to rules and discipline. Be consistent in enforcing consequences that your co-parent has applied. When we do not do this, kids learn to divide and conquer. They then learn that rules don’t apply to them.
Introduce your new love relationships to your children carefully and in a timely manner.
Your child needs time to adjust to the parental divorce before someone new is introduced to the child. You may be ready to date, and that’s great. However, children need time to adjust to their loss. In fact, children do not need to be introduced to someone new unless you are ready to make a serious “live-in” or marital connection with that person. Besides, if it doesn’t work out with your new relationship and your kids have become attached, they can become confused or hurt when you separate.
Communicate, communicate, and communicate.
Talk to your children often. No matter where you are at in the divorce process, ask your child how he feels right now. Ask if he feels he’s getting enough time with both parents, and if he has questions. Make changes as needed. Use your child as the barometer as to what’s working and not working.
Melissa Shane is a licensed clinical professional counselor at Chapin Russell & Associates. She specializes in helping children and teens cope with parental divorce. She can be reached at 309-681-5850 or melissas@rms4solutions.com.
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