By Liz Pollack, MS, ACPEC, Pet Loss Grief Counselor
Some years ago, my niece lost her hamster, Sammy. It was the first time she experienced a permanent loss. Unfortunately, she witnessed her beloved Sammy’s death as he was sucked up into the sump-pump. She was devastated. She called to tell me and to invite me to his funeral. There were actually two funerals – one at school, where she had sometimes taken Sammy to share with her classmates, and one at home, where she was surrounded by her family. Her sadness reminded me of my many pet losses as a child. Each time I lost a member of my family–a fish, a cat, a goat, a duck, a snake, a bird, and a dog, I felt the pain intensely. Fortunately, my parents, and other thoughtful adults, helped me to grieve, and then to celebrate their lives. Now, working with families who have lost their beloved pet, I can strongly empathize with them; especially the children.
Children grieve very differently than adults, and although they tend to grieve for shorter periods of time, their grief can be very intense, traumatic, and confusing. A child’s perception of death will change as a function of age, maturity, and experience with death. It is critical that parents understand their child’s level of emotional and cognitive development before explaining what it means when a pet dies or leaves home for some other reason. It is natural to want to protect children from painful experiences, but research (and my own personal experience) suggests that children adjust to the death of a loved pet if the parent is honest and provides simple explanations.
To help your child understand the permanence of death and the grief involved, keep the following suggestions in mind:
- Always be honest with your child
- Encourage your child to talk about his/her feelings
- Give your child plenty of hugs and reassurances
- Let the child know you are sad, too
- Let your child’s teacher or daycare provider know about the loss
- Read a book with your child that addresses pet loss
- Show your child (by example) that it is appropriate to be sad and cry
- Emphasize the fact that no one is to blame for the death/loss of your pet (so your child won’t feel responsible)
- Give your child an opportunity to say goodbye so they will have closure
- Celebrate your pet’s life with your child by making a donation to a local shelter or the Humane Society in your pet’s name, making a shadow box with the pet’s favorite toys and belongings.
Don’t make light of their feelings or try to tell them what they “should” be feeling. The key to helping your child through pet loss grief is to recognize what the loss means to them, and support them as they move forward.
For more information, or to make a counseling appointment, contact Liz at 309-370-4492, or e-mail her at legup@mtco.com. Liz Pollack, MS, ACPEC, is a Certified Coach and Pet Loss Grief Counselor and owns Leg Up Services.
Photo credits: laflor/iStock, PacoRomero/iStock