By Liz Pollack, MS, ACPEC
Just a note…
Thank you to all the readers who reached out to me after reading my July editorial about the recent loss of my dog, Cookie, titled “Permission to Grieve.” Your compassion was incredibly touching and your own stories were exceedingly moving. It is remarkable how much animals touch our hearts and become such an important part of our lives.
Because there was such overwhelming feedback, it seemed like the perfect time to present a follow-up article about grieving and pets, so I contacted Liz Pollack, a Pet Loss Grief Counselor. She will be sharing some tips to help all of us move forward after the loss of a furry, finned, or feathered family member.
Sincerely,
Kim Brooks-Miller, Owner,
Healthy Cells, Greater Peoria Metro Area Edition
I remember when my 18-year-old cat Trisha passed away. I was extremely sad and didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. I was afraid that people would not see the significance of this loss for me. And, I was right. I had to have Trisha put down during the holidays and when I returned to work, I was still sad and not myself. A co-worker noticed and kept probing to see what was wrong. Here was our conversation:
Her: “Are you okay?”
Me: “No, but I will be over time.”
Her: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I’d rather not talk about it.”
Her: “Really what’s wrong? Maybe I can help.”
Me: “I had to put my 18-year-old cat to sleep over the holidays.”
Her: “Bummer.”
Me: “Bummer? I just told you that I had to put my 18-year-old pet to sleep and you say, “bummer?” No, bummer is what you say when someone tells you that they got a $5.00 parking ticket, or when you couldn’t find a good parking spot on a hot day — it isn’t what you say when someone tells you that they just suffered a significant loss.”
Her: “Well, you know I don’t like cats.”
Me: “Well, that would be significant if it was your cat who died, but since it wasn’t about you and it wasn’t your cat that died, you couldn’t just say, “I’m sorry, I know she meant a lot to you”?
The truth of the matter is the pain we feel over the loss of an animal friend is as natural as the pain we would feel over the loss of any significant relationship and we shouldn’t let anyone minimize that or tell us that it was “only an animal.” Our loving pets are, in fact, members of our family. They are our playmates, confidants, and companions offering us unwavering and unconditional love and loyalty.
Another truth is many people are totally unprepared to face the excruciating pain associated with the death of a beloved pet. They wonder if they are crazy to feel such sorrow over a non-human and are afraid that others might judge them harshly. They may even think there is something unnatural about their own feelings. Since there isn’t much cultural support offered to grieving animal lovers in our society, many end up feeling very isolated and alone. Statements such as “It was just an animal” illustrate how others fail to recognize this kind of loss as significant.
As a Pet Loss Grief Counselor I hear many of these statements and want to let everyone reading this article know that if you have lost or will soon be losing a dear animal friend your feelings are normal and there is a process of healing. Here are some healthy ways to cope with the pain:
- Don’t argue with others about whether your grief is appropriate or not.
- Look for support outside your usual circle of friends and family members if they are not being supportive. Be selective in who you tell. I learned that well, after the encounter I spoke about in the beginning of this article.
- Seek out others who have lost pets and understand how you are feeling. They can not only empathize with you, they may even be able to suggest ways of getting through the grieving process.
- Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to cry, or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready.
- Seek professional help if you need it. Talking with a grief loss expert can be extremely helpful.
Liz Pollack, MS, ACPEC, is a Pet Loss Grief Counselor. If you are struggling with a loss of a pet or know someone who is, please call for an appointment today: 309-370-4492. Look for Liz’s next article on Pet Loss in the September edition.
Photo credit: Sushaaa/iStock