By Greg Skibinski, MA, LCPC, CADC, CSAT, CMAT, Executive Director, Agape Counseling, LTD
These were words I actually shared one evening with a couple in my office. Now, I probably could have made a better choice of words but YUCK seemed to be appropriate. Why? Because we all, at times, carry stuff within us that just feels, well… yucky.
Previously, I wrote about shame, how we carry it but don’t want to talk about it. Maybe for you it’s negative thoughts going around in your head: feelings of guilt about something you did, said, or texted.
The fact is, everyone has stuff and carries it with them. We sweep it under the rug, hoping it goes away, or we may be blessed enough to forget about it forever. However, that is usually not the case — it remains there; when we try to forget it or push it out of our thoughts, we actually hand power over to it.
It becomes a dark spot occupying space within our heart and prevents you from allowing someone to know you and see you for who you are. It interferes with your life more than you realize and can even have a negative impact on your health.
Countless studies have shown how stress and anger can cause or worsen diseases (e.g. cancer, heart disease, autoimmune disorders). Failure to forgive ourselves can result in:
- Low self-esteem and low self-worth
- Being overly defensive or distant in relationships
- Continually being hurt by unresolved pain and suffering
- Self-destructive behavior
- Unnecessary guilt and remorse that wears us down
Maybe you are willing to admit you have things tucked deep inside — you did something in the past that you don’t know what to do with or want to bring up. What can you do about it?
For starters, how about forgiving yourself? That may sound ridiculous and foreign to you, but I would invite you to consider it. Forgiving ourselves can have benefits:
- Realizing you have value and self-worth can open you up to loving others in new ways and demand respect for yourself
- Learning to love yourself in healthy ways, no longer beating yourself up
- Realizing that we are all human and make mistakes
- Letting go of hurtful memories and painful events
- Developing an optimistic view of the future
Sure, it’s easier to forgive others than it is ourselves. We can easily write off another’s mistake, but if we found ourselves doing the exact same thing we would have difficulty forgiving ourselves. No one can beat ourselves up better than we can!
Forgiving means not hating yourself. Forgiving yourself is an opportunity to free yourself of the pain and anger that has built up. When we forgive ourselves, we move out of the past and into the present. You may not forget the issue or mistake but you can move on with your life. The choice to forgive may take time to accomplish (not a one-time event) but, eventually, you will find yourself without that familiar yuck.
We don’t like to see other people hurt but it seems different when it comes to ourselves. Hey, we all mess up sometimes; we are human and make mistakes. Those mistakes may be big or small, but we make them. We have to learn to go easier on ourselves remembering that we can learn from them. We need to take that part of it, run with it, and leave the rest behind.
True forgiveness that comes from within can be very freeing. You may still remember the mistake but no longer continue to beat yourself up over it. You can let go of that heavy weight you’ve been dragging around.
When we learn to forgive ourselves, it gets easier to forgive others, too. Learn to love yourself in healthy ways and stop beating yourself up for the mistakes you’ve made. Start by simply writing yourself a letter. This may sound odd, but what if you wrote a letter to yourself asking for forgiveness? Expressing the mistake on paper makes it feel real instead of just a negative thought in your head that never goes away, taking energy from you.
As you learn to forgive yourself, you realize you have a higher value and this newly found self-worth can open you up to embracing the mistakes of others in new ways. In time you won’t feel as stuck in the yuck!
Does this article hit home with you or someone you know? We can help. The Peoria office number is 309-692-4433. Agape Counseling, LTDF, is a group of Christian counselors, social workers, psychologists, and support staff committed to a therapeutic process that ministers to the whole person. Their Peoria office is located at 2001 W. Willow Knolls, Suite 110. The Morton location is 75 E. Queenwood Road. Visit: www.agapecounselors.net.
Photo credit: EHStock/iStock