By Bonnie Harken NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women
A“difficult” relationship is not one that is going through the usual periods of disagreement and disappointment that are inevitable when two individuals come together. Healthy relationships are built on equality and respect. Unhealthy relationships are based on power and control.
There are many ways that one partner can abuse another: emotional, verbal, financial, spiritual, physical, and sexual abuse. Each type of abuse is serious and no one deserves to experience any form of it. There should be no tolerance for abuse in your relationships.
A toxic relationship pattern can involve jealousy, possessiveness, dominance, manipulation, desperation, selfishness, or rejection. However, one common theme in a toxic relationship involves the partners’ intense draw toward each other, despite the pain they both cause one another. These relationships erode self-esteem and prevent those involved from moving on in their personal lives or careers. They foster feelings of loneliness, rage, and despair. Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is harmful to them. It is in this sense that the relationships are addictive.
Empathetic partners struggle to leave an abusive situation, and/or an impaired partner — be the cause drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, or mental illness. It’s a difficult struggle because they still care about their spouse and value their marriage commitment. As an example, breakdowns in bipolar relationships are a common consequence of the illness. The likelihood of divorce among bipolar individuals is twice that of the general population.
Partners painstakingly search for answers about successfully co-parenting with a narcissist, a passive aggressive partner, or someone diagnosed as bipolar or borderline. They seek just, reasonable ways to deal with an unreasonable situation which are often unattainable. In most cases, the issue is the same, even though the diagnosis may be different. They are dealing with a partner whose reality is so skewed that compromise, honesty, fairness, and follow through are not possible.
Codependents find narcissistic partners deeply appealing. They are attracted to their charm, boldness, and confident personality. When the narcissist and the codependent become partners, the romance sizzles with excitement in the beginning. But the narcissist fears a loss of identity and is sensitive to everything that leads to bonding. Eventually the thrilling romance transforms into drama, conflict, feelings of neglect, and feeling trapped. Codependents confuse care taking and sacrifice with loyalty and love. They are proud of their loyalty and dedication to the person they love, but they end up feeling used and unappreciated.
We enter romantic relationships with ideas about what we want based on family relationships, what we’ve seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. Holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause a relationship to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail.
Do you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships? Ask yourself the following questions about your relationship(s) (past or present):
- It seems to have potential but that potential is always just out of reach?
- It persistently lacks what one or both partners need?
- It involves two partners who are on drastically different wavelengths?
- Is there little common ground, little significant communication, and little enjoyment of each other?
- It causes feelings of loneliness, rage, and despair?
Do I pick partners who are unavailable (either emotionally or because they are in a committed relationship)?
Getting to know one’s self and one’s patterns is key to avoiding a difficult relationship. If you find yourself in a dramatic or complicated relationship, you have to first decipher whether you have chosen someone undesirable for negative reasons from your past or whether you are pushing away someone you really care for, because of your own limitations, fears, or defenses. Once you understand yourself, you can clearly trace the paths that lead your relationships to unravel. You can take power over yourself and establish healthier, more honest, and fulfilling relationships.
Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women, has spent the last 30 years assisting individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. At Crossroads we help you recover from your past, reclaim your dreams, and renew your spirit. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.
Sources Available Upon Request
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