Detox Your Relationships

By Paul Schellenberg, LLC, MA, LCPC

Toxic relationships usually do not start out that way. As the relationship’s dynamics begin to take form, then an individual’s toxicity may begin to emerge. Some people do not realize they are in a toxic relationship until it is too late. A toxic relationship can damage your self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-value. These qualities are needed for good mental health. One of the hardest things in life is to know when to sever these relationships. Unfortunately, there is not a clean-cut formula. Here are some dynamics that accompany a toxic relationship.

1. You put more into the relationship than you receive. In a normal relationship, it is common that one person will put more into a relationship at different times depending on what’s happening in your friend’s life. This is normal. A healthy relationship has times where one person is doing more work than the other and vice versa. In a toxic relationship, the person is comparable to a vampire. I call these people “emotional vampires.” They suck the emotion right out of you. When you are doing all the work and the relationship is leaving you short of emotion and emotionally fatigued, then that is a signal it is toxic.

2. Inappropriate guilt. If you feel a constant guilt when you are around the person, then this is a sign of a toxic relationship. Toxic people tend to use passive aggressive guilt trips on their victims. If you find yourself constantly apologizing, feeling bad, or feeling guilty whenever you interact with the person, then it is a good sign they are toxic.

3. Constant belittling or teasing. A toxic person does not value you as a person and definitely does not value your opinion or knowledge. If you see a pattern of being put down or not being taken seriously when you offer your opinion or feelings on a subject, then the chances are high that you are in a toxic relationship. A healthy relationship will provide an environment in which you can be yourself and express your feelings safely. If you find yourself watching what you say in order to not be put down for saying the wrong thing, then it is time to leave that relationship. It is toxic, and you are being abused.

4. Games. A healthy relationship is dependent on two people being on the same page. If one person is playing emotional games with the other person, then this is a sign that this relationship is toxic. Games can be defined as passive aggressive abuse or emotional abuse. When a person is always feeling like they are playing “catch up” in the relationship, then emotional games are being played. Healthy relationships do not have games in them.

Hopefully, this will help decipher some signs of a toxic relationship. If you are feeling trapped in a toxic relationship or see some of these patterns emerging, then I would strongly suggest you seek professional help as soon as you can.

Paul Schellenberg is a licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. He specializes in sports and student anxiety, trauma and mood disorders, emotional barriers, coping skills, and depression, working with both children and adults. For more information, please visit www.pschellenberg.com or call 309-696-0267.