By Jennifer Morrison PsyD., Postdoctoral Resident, John R. Day and Associates/Christian Psychological Associates
Grieving the loss of a loved one is always hard, it but can be especially challenging as you approach the holidays. It can feel like the absence of your loved one is magnified and that the loss feels fresh. The holidays can be a hard time for those grieving, but, at the same time, they can offer comfort in the rituals of tradition. If you are mourning a loss this year, there are some important things to keep in mind.
One of the most important parts of planning for the holidays is to plan ahead as much as possible. Many people dread the approaching holiday, but you can create comforting activities in the weeks leading up to the holiday so that you have something to look forward to. Most people feel the need to acknowledge the loved one, and it can help to prepare a holiday moment in that person’s memory. Some ideas include telling stories, lighting candles, giving in their name, dedicating a service to them, writing a card or letter, and displaying a picture of the loved one with the holiday decorations.
Part of planning ahead will be talking to your friends and family about things you would like to do this year and how you would like to do them. Another part of the planning to consider is the children of the family. Many holiday celebrations place focus on the children and it can help to focus on them. Remember that your choices on how to grieve may affect the children. Perhaps planning ahead when there are kids in your family could be considering what are the most important family aspects to participate in, and then excusing yourself if necessary. It is up to you decide what you can handle. Don’t force yourself to do things that don’t feel doable. Grieving takes time.
As you consider your plans, you may decide to do something different this year, and that’s ok. Things have changed, and doing something different acknowledges that. Holidays are a chance to create new memories and new traditions. You always have the option to skip the holidays all together as well. If you feel it is too much, let your loved ones know. Plan something for yourself, and let others know what you will be doing. It’s a good idea to make sure someone checks in with you that day.
Most importantly, whatever you decide or plan, prepare to accept your feelings which may vary from person to person. Most people expect to feel down and sad all day, but there might be a lot of different and mixed feelings. Feelings might include sadness, numbness, guilt, and joy. However you feel, try to accept it and the ups and downs that may come throughout the day. Stay in touch with yourself throughout the day and be willing to make adjustments as you go.
While you think and plan, there are a few “don’ts” to keep in mind. Don’t isolate yourself. Although you may not feel like celebrating, try to accept a few invitations. Don’t accept every invitation or attempt to distract yourself with work 24/7. This may only add more stress. Don’t act like your loved one never lived. Doing so is an attempt to deny your feelings and may only make the experience worse. Don’t be afraid to cry; crying can be a therapeutic part of grieving.
Do you know someone is grieving? You can help by encouraging them to talk about their feelings and listen to them. Let them cry. Its okay to say the loved one’s name; not saying it may feel like pretending they didn’t die.
Since 1974, John R. Day & Associates, Christian Psychological Associates provides quality care for the whole person. They work with area physicians, attorneys, court services, and pastors to bring healing to the lives of children, adolescents, and adults. They have six locations throughout Central Illinois: Peoria, Normal, Eureka, Princeton, Canton, and Pekin. They can be reached at 309-692-7755 or by visiting www.christianpsychological.org.