By Greg Skibinski LCPC,CMAT,CSAT, Agape Counseling Ltd.
Most people enjoy being around others. If those others happen to be people of like mind, then we often want to be around them even more. It is natural and healthy for us to want to belong and to develop a sense of connection with other people. A great example of this was brought up in a group of mine recently, when talking about connection. The example is Tom Hanks in the movie, Castaway. Tom Hanks was completely alone on a deserted island, and his need for human connection was manifested when he found a soccer ball. He drew a face on that soccer ball and named the ball Wilson. Some may recall the vivid scene when Tom Hanks’ character became separated in the ocean from Wilson. He experienced heartbreaking pain when all he could do was watch Wilson — a ball — fade away in the rolling waves of the sea. Even though he had only connected with a face on a soccer ball, to Hank’s character, it was an incredibly important human link with Wilson.
Matthew Lieberman, a UCLA professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral science, said that, “Being socially connected is our brain’s lifelong passion. Mammals are more socially connected than reptiles, primates more than other mammals, and humans more than other primates.” Lieberman is one of the founders of social cognitive neuroscience, a discipline that analyzes how brain function underlies social thinking and social behavior. In his book, Social, he explains that our predisposition to be social may explain our strong need to interact through social media, iPhones, and gossip, as well as why people are interested in watching others’ social interactions on soap operas, reality television, and even observing others while in a public place, such as a park or shopping mall.
In the book, Liebermann cites more than 1,000 published and unpublished studies that reveal the story of how 250 million years of evolution have produced major differences in the brain that distinguish us from our ancestors. That evolution has ultimately made today’s humans “more connected to the social world and more dependent on the social world.” Lieberman suggests that our institutions — from schools and sports teams to the military and health care institutions — would perform better if they were structured with an understanding of our social nature.
Business leaders might benefit from understanding people’s social motivations. Studies have shown that feeling liked and respected in the workplace activates the brain’s reward system in the same way that financial compensation does. Such social rewards might be as effective as money in motivating workers. A study by Lieberman demonstrated that people were usually willing to return money that had been given to them if it meant that others would write kind words about them. Research also suggests that students are more likely to remember information when it is in a social context. Schools could apply that lesson by having older students tutor younger ones. “If you have an eighth grader teach a sixth grader, the eighth grader’s motivation is social: to help this other student and not embarrass himself,” Lieberman said. “Getting everyone to be both teacher and learner would create more enthusiasm for learning.”
The human brain is wired to reward caring, cooperation, and service. Research shows that merely thinking about another person experiencing harm triggers the same reaction in our brain as when a mother sees distress in her baby’s face. Conversely, the act of helping another triggers the brain’s pleasure center and benefits our health by boosting our immune system, reducing our heart rate, and preparing us to approach and soothe. Positive emotions like compassion produce similar benefits. By contrast, negative emotions suppress our immune system, increase heart rate, and prepare us to fight or flee.
Humans are wired for connection with others. Life does not usually go well when we try to live it on our own. Oftentimes, when we face a problem or crisis, we feel as if we can and should handle it by ourselves, but it’s the opposite. We need to handle it with the help of others, even if only with one person. Brene Brown writes that everyone needs that one person in their life that they can be vulnerable with, that they can open up to and share what is really going on in their lives. She calls this person a “move-a-body friend.” A move-a-body friend allows to us to see the light by knowing that someone cares during those times when we find ourself alone in those dark, scared, or anxious places.
Do you have a move-a-body friend? Reach out and connect with that friend, relative, or maybe a person you haven’t seen in awhile. Call your spouse, invite your neighbor or colleague to lunch, take your kids on a walk and talk to them. We are wired for connections, so what are you waiting for? Reach out and give it a try right now.
For more information, please contact Agape Counseling, 309-692-4433. They are a group of Christian counselors, social workers, psychologists, and support staff committed to a therapeutic process which ministers to the whole person. Their Peoria office is located at 2001 Willow Knolls Dr., Ste. 110, Peoria, IL. They also have offices in Morton and Bloomington. Visit them at www.agapecounselors.net.