By Bonnie Harken, NCLC, Crossroads Programs for Women
We all know what anger is. Anger is a negative feeling state that is typically associated with hostile thoughts, physiological arousal, and maladaptive behaviors. It usually develops in response to the unwanted actions of another person. Both men and women are often ashamed of their anger, although it appears they may experience their anger differently, according to ongoing research. For example, gender socialization can affect how men and women handle their anger. Men have been encouraged to be more overt with their anger. If boys have a conflict on the playground, they act it out with their fists. Girls have been encouraged to keep their anger down. So let’s clear up the gender stereotypes about anger, such as the notion that women have trouble with anger. Women don’t have a problem with anger — they just manage it differently than men. Women tend not to be as aggressive as men in expressing anger and tend to talk about their anger more.
Research reveals that there are three common roots to women’s anger: powerlessness, injustice, and the irresponsibility of other people. It also reveals that men are more impulsive in dealing with their anger and may be more physically aggressive or have thoughts of revenge where women tend to stay angry longer, be less likely to express the anger, and remain more resentful. Women often use indirect aggression and “write off” a higher number of people—intending to never speak with them again.
Some facts about anger:
- Some degree of anger will be with us for all of our lives.
- When anger is mild, infrequent, dissipates quickly and is expressed assertively (directly to the problem person, in a non-accusatory manner) and without aggression, then professional help is not needed
- In such circumstances, anger may serve the role of simply highlighting your annoyance and it can lead to problem resolution.
- Verbal expressions of anger may include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm. Anger can also be expressed physically by raising a clenched fist, throwing a book on the floor, breaking a pencil or hitting a wall.
- Anger crosses the line when it becomes aggression. Aggression has a determined intention to harm another person. Often, it reflects a desire for dominance and control. Aggression can be shown by punching, shoving, hitting or even maiming another person, and it can occur in marital violence, child, or elder abuse, bullying, or gang and criminal activities.
- Research shows that 90 percent of the time, it is acts of aggression arising from anger that wind up in the criminal justice system.
- Only 10 percent of anger experiences are actually followed by aggression. People often want to act aggressively when angry but most do not actually take aggressive actions. This is not to say that anger may not have negative and long lasting effects on a marriage or other significant relationships.
There are other aspects of anger that cause misery. It is often said that depression is anger turned inward. Codependent individuals are often covertly angry and hostile. Research also shows that many women who suffer with severe eating disorders register high scores on the anger testing scales. Their testing scores are often as high as criminals in the prison system. Suicide is an act of violence or aggression against one’s self. There is also research that documents physical conditions including heart problems brought on by anger and stress. Certainly anger has been well documented in many addictive behaviors.
To deal with our anger in a healthy way, taking a breather using simple tools, such as relaxation techniques and visual imagery, can help soothe angry feelings and may be a good first step before talking to person with whom you are angry
When is professional help necessary?
There is cause for alarm if:
- Your anger is moderate to intense
- Anger is experienced frequently
- Anger endures to the point where you are holding a grudge
- You have plans for revenge and getting even
- Anger is expressed in aggressive verbal and physical actions
- You are experiencing physical problems or maladaptive addictive behaviors as a result of your anger
There can be a very high cost to anger. You are likely at risk for negative relationship, health and sometimes legal repercussions related to inappropriate anger expression. Research shows that anger management techniques are effective. The good news is that mental health professionals can help you understand the triggers for your anger and help you develop strategies to control your anger and improve your life.
Bonnie Harken, NCLC, is CEO and Founder of Crossroads Programs for Women, which offers intensive outpatient programs, online psychoeducational programming, lifestyle and recovery coaching, and individual therapy for women. She serves as the executive director of The International Association of Eating Disorders Professionals Foundation Inc. (iaedp), an 800-member professional organization that trains and certifies professionals to treat eating disorders. She has been in the mental health field since 1987. Visit online: www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.
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