By Claire Maquet, LCPC, True North Solutions
Susan tries to live her life the right way. She tries to do a good job with her marriage, her children, her job, and her relationships. It is obvious, however, that something is not right and her life is not working the way she wants. She is in emotional pain and is not sure how to change things. After giving it some thought, Susan realizes that she has great difficulty in knowing what things are her responsibility and what aren’t. She takes on other’s problems that she does not need to. In addition, she is frequently frustrated and stressed because she has a hard time saying “no” when people ask her to do things and takes on projects that she does not have time for.
Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as we set physical boundaries around our property and our body, we need to set mental and emotional boundaries for our lives to help us decide what is our responsibility. Physical boundaries such as fences, walls, and hedges are easy to see. Our personal boundaries are just as real, but are often harder to see and maintain. The boundaries we are talking about help you define:
- What is my problem and what is another person’s problem.
- What is my responsibility and what am I not responsible for.
One of the basic boundary-setting words is “no.” It may sound confrontational, but it lets others know that you exist apart from them and you are in charge of you. It is important to be clear about your “no” and “yes” so that people in your life know where you stand. In reality, we are not setting limits on others, but we are setting limits for ourselves and on how much we are letting people control our lives.
Boundary problems can look different in many people. Here are some common examples of boundary struggles:
- People who are overly compliant may have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries. They “melt’ into the demands and needs of other people. They pretend to like things so as to not “rock the boat.”
- People who have a hard time asking people for what they want and need. This type of person may be avoidant or withdraws when they are in need and does not ask for the support of others.
- Controlling people have a problem hearing and respecting other’s boundaries. They resist taking responsibility for their own lives and thus need to control others. They can be either aggressive or manipulative controllers.
- Unresponsive people seem unaware of others. This group of people chooses to ignore the needs of other people rather than finding a balance that allows healthy relationships and boundaries.
Boundary problems are rooted in the many interactions that we have with others, as well as our own personalities and nature. Some people (like Susan in the example) feel they are selfish if they are firm in their boundaries, but boundaries actually help us care for others more because people know where they stand with us. Others worry about the consequences of putting up boundaries and losing friendships, but it is possible to be firm but nice.
Susan discovered that when she was assertive with people about her boundaries, her life was much freer and her emotional pain was beginning to disappear. She found herself with more energy for all she wanted to do because she had good limits and boundaries for herself and her relationships.
If you have trouble setting boundaries or are in need of counseling, you can call True North Solutions at 309-589-1011 or visit www.truenorthsolutions.org.
Claire Maquet is a licensed clinical professional counselor at True North Solutions. She provides a variety of services for adults and specializes in stress, relationship issues, and anxiety disorders.
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