By Steven Buttice, Founder and President, Living By Your Design, Inc.
Remember in the 1970s movie Love Story what Ryan O’Neal said to Ali MacGraw: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” While we want to be compassionate and express ourselves, it’s a reflex response to the news of a cancer diagnosis, stroke, illness, injury, or any health crisis with an automatic, “I’m so sorry.” Patients and caregivers on the receiving end of this expression may wish for something less automatic and more hopeful.
Saying “I’m so sorry” shows compassion, acknowledges their condition, and offers the knowledge that someone cares; it is far better than ignoring the person or saying nothing. There is a website called “CaringBridge” that helps families communicate a loved one’s health status with family and friends. Their study showed that there are many better things we can tell those experiencing tough times:
- “This stinks.”
- “I wish things were going better.”
- “This must be hard news for you to share.”
- “I’m praying for you and your caregiver.”
- “I wish this was not happening to you.”
- “When do you see yourself clear for coffee? Or wine?”
- “I love you.”
Hope. Everyone needs to know there is hope. It may be a person hearing “there is light at the end of this tunnel.” In later stages, it may be hope in a person’s/family’s faith. Knowing people care is powerful and can provide some comfort when expressed.
Better than words are actions. “Anything I can do to help make your day better?” It seems that most people have trouble accepting the help offered by others. Whether it is pride or not wanting to inconvenience a person, it just happens. Perhaps even a better approach is: “I am going to be by your home tomorrow around 4pm, may I drop off dinner? What sounds good?” or, ask them if (type of food) is OK, or, “I am going to be in your neighborhood tomorrow at 2pm and would like to visit (the shut in) so you can have a chance to run a couple of errands or exercise.” Don’t forget a hug may mean much to the person. Often forgotten is that the caregiver needs time to take care of themselves, but if they do not have backup help, the caregiver is unable to take time for himself or herself.
I am aware of a gentleman who lives in the community alone. After major surgery, he came back home, but did not realize how frail he had become. All of his needs were tough for him, from cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He had a friend who just stopped in every weekday after work. Sometimes he would bring a light dinner, other times groceries. This friend would also spend a couple minutes doing dishes and such. His actions allowed this gentleman to stay home, eat a good meal, and recover. These are the actions of which I speak.
By the way, the gentleman having surgery did not realize his limitations and how weak he had become until later in the recovery process.
It should be noted: there is an alternative to a friend stopping by daily. Homecare may help keep a person at home opposed to a rehab stay in a community. Another option is a short-term respite stay at an assisted living community. In any case, if a person does not care for themselves and eat properly, he or she may have a medical setback. Setbacks can be devastating.
The bottom line: Suggest ways to help and ask them which they prefer. Actions can be better than words!
We have a “Caregiver Daily Log” form that we would be happy to email or send to you. Caregivers find this form very helpful in following and recording their loved one’s progress. For a copy of this form, call 309-285-8088 or email us at Steven@LivingByYourDesignInc.com.
For more information, contact Living By Your Design, Inc., focusing on the issues of older Americans: legal, financial, and free guidance for residential placement and healthcare issues. Call: 309-285-8088. Web: www.LivingByYourDesignInc.com. Location: 809 W. Detweiller Dr., Peoria.