By Bonnie Harken, NCLC
There are things in our lives that aren’t meant to last. Many times the changes we don’t want are the changes we need to flourish and grow. Personal growth and change can be uncomfortable, but nothing in life is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong.
The things we hold on to, bear grudges against, or feel angry and hurt about cloud our mind and prevent us from being the best we can be.
Letting go usually involves some form of forgiveness or acceptance—whether it’s forgiving yourself, someone else, a situation, or even an unknown third party. The irony is that whatever you’re holding on to, it’s probably hurting or bothering you much more than it does anyone else.
If someone wrongs you, it will probably cause you pain for awhile, but after that, you have a choice. You can refuse to let go of what happened, let it interfere with your relationship, and replay what happened over and over in your mind. Or, you can choose to forgive.
Accept what happened. Don’t forgive because it is “something you are supposed to do.” Find the motivation to do it for your own well-being, happiness, and for the time you have left in your life. Forgiving does not mean that what that person did was OK. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. You may choose to forgive but decide to spend less time or no time in the future with someone who has hurt you.
Catherine Ponder, an inspirational writer, says, “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
Likewise, letting go doesn’t mean we condone a situation or behavior; it’s about lightening OUR load. Because when we let go of whatever is bothering us, we set ourselves free and get to reclaim that energy for ourselves. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and change how you feel going forward. And remember—whatever you find hardest to let go of is probably what you need to let go of the most.
While you may not wish to do anything about these right now, just listing what you need to let go of will raise your level of awareness, and you’ll naturally begin to loosen your grip. Take a piece of paper and draw a line vertically down the middle, creating two columns. Column A should be headed, “What do I need to let go of?” Column B should be headed, “How I benefit by holding on.” Spend some time thoughtfully listing what you’re holding on to, what slows you down, what riles you up, and anything that gets in the way of you being the best you can be.
Now, look at your list. If you’re struggling with identifying a benefit (there must be something, or you wouldn’t be holding on to it), ask yourself, “What do I gain by keeping hold of this?” Perhaps by holding on to resentments, anger, or hurt, you don’t need to accept your part in the situation, or perhaps it stops you from feeling how hurt you really are. Maybe you get to stay in “the right” or avoid dealing with someone.
If you need to let go of something you’ve done, simply ask, “What do I need to do that will allow me to let this go?” Perhaps you need to make notes in your journal of what you’ve learned, or you need to make some kind of amends, apologize, or find a meaningful way to make it up to yourself or someone else. While we can’t change the past, we can make amends and learn from it. Just for a second, imagine letting go of everything on this list. How does it feel? Ask yourself, “What have I learned about myself from doing this exercise?”
There is so much we can achieve in the short years of our lives. Opportunities beyond our imaginations await us, but they are not possible if we remain paralyzed by all those feelings and things that keep us stuck and tied to the past. Letting go and moving on to new and untried things brings us face to face with the challenge of moving past our comfort zone. Accepting what is, letting go of what was, and having faith in what could be are acts of great wisdom and truth.
Helen Keller said, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” What adventures are you missing because you are being held back by your refusal to let go of past baggage? Loosen your grip on those burdens! Let go, and reach forward with your arms wide open to embrace the adventure that awaits you!
Bonnie Harken, a nationally certified life coach, is Founder and CEO of Crossroads Programs for Women. She has spent the last 30 years helping individuals begin their journey of healing. Look for upcoming programs at Crossroads Programs for Women in Pekin. Begin your journey of finding renewal, hope, joy, direction, and passion. Each program is a blend of lectures, group discussion, and therapeutic exercises offering a healing curriculum. We explore the spiritual components of healing from a non-denominational Christian perspective. Why continue to struggle? Tomorrow does not have to be like today. We can help you. Visit www.crossroadsprogramsforwomen.com or call 1-800-348-0937.
Sources Available Upon Request
Photo credit: kupicoo/iStock