By Paul Schellenberg, LLC, MA, LCPC, Member of the Illinois SOMB list
The traumatic events of abuse are horrific to the victim when abuse occurs. Unfortunately, the effects of abuse do not stop when the abuse ends. In most cases, a new form of abuse comes into play. This the abuse of shaming. For discussion sake, let’s concentrate on sexual abuse. In families when the perpetrator of abuse is someone outside the immediate family, the traditional reaction is the family members rally around the victim and help him or her. If the perpetrator of the sexual abuse is a member of the immediate family, the traditional reaction is to shame the survivor of sexual abuse in order to keep the family secret quiet.
This shaming is ongoing and usually continues long after the sexual abuse has stopped. With this shaming, the survivor is re-traumatized throughout several years. This new trauma of being shamed is piled onto the old trauma of being sexually abused. Now, the survivor must overcome two very traumatic, long-standing events in order to recover.
Things start to get complicated when there is extended family and friends involved. As the survivor ages, he or she may start acting out or may become willing to reveal the family secret. If you are on the fringes of the nuclear family as an extended family member or a friend, you will hear a lot of stories. The hard part in this complex dynamic is trying to decipher who is telling the truth and who is lying. Words mean little in this situation, so my advice would be to pay attention to the non-verbal behaviors. “Abusers seek allies, survivors seek help,” is a phrase I recently started using to help others deal with family who are confused or misled. If you watch the actions of the people involved, pay attention to the patterns of behavior. Normally, the survivor will reach out to get help. The survivor will look to others for support. The perpetrator will try and seek out allies to continue the shame cycle that was implemented during the abuse.
So, the question comes up, “How do I know what the difference is between seeking an ally and seeking support?” When someone is seeking support, they usually do not lie or try to control the environment. So, a former victim will want you to go and confront the perpetrator or will encourage you to get the opinion of other possible witnesses. Someone who is seeking an ally will control who you talk with and when you talk to them. They will discourage you from talking to the survivor or anyone who may be a witness. The person who wants allies will encourage you to continue shaming the survivor and will become very defensive if you want to hear any other side of the story besides theirs. So, I encourage everyone who is in a situation like this to seek out professional help immediately. There are too many emotions and opinions to navigate through on your own, and an unbiased pair of eyes will be helpful. If you are a survivor of sexual abuse and in the middle of a shame cycle, professional help is essential to healing. Please do not waste another second; make a call to a therapist who has been trained to work with survivors of sexual abuse.
Paul Schellenberg is a licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. He specializes in sports and student anxiety, trauma and mood disorders, emotional barriers, coping skills, depression, working with both children and adults. For more information, please visit
www.pschellenberg.com or call 309-696-0267.