By Becky Powell MS, RN, AOCN at the Community Cancer Center
Receiving a diagnosis of cancer is a difficult time in anyone’s life. It can create a surge of emotions including anger, fear, shock and denial. It abruptly halts the normal routines. Newly diagnosed patients find themselves in crisis mode trying to learn everything they can about their condition, spending a great deal of time having additional tests and procedures completed, as well as traveling from doctor to doctor to determine the best treatment option.
This also is a difficult time for family and friends of the person just diagnosed. Not only are they dealing with some of the same emotional issues that their loved one is experiencing, but many times they are struggling with the fear to call or to visit, because they just do not know what to say. What do you say when someone is newly diagnosed with cancer?
The question is difficult because there is not a correct answer that fits everyone. Supportive encouragement given to one person may not be right for the next person. Examples include “I wish you the best” or “That stinks.” But comments like, “My uncle died of that, it was terrible” or, “None of us knows when we’re going to die,” are words that most patients find upsetting and should be avoided. People don’t purposely say the wrong things; sometimes the right words are not there.
Books are available on this topic to help guide people. One that I found extremely helpful is entitled “The Etiquette of Illness, What to Say When You Can’t Find the Words” by Susan P Halpern. The title alone is reassuring! It is a collection of anecdotes and stories put together by the author, who counseled people with serious illness for years, and drew upon her own experience with cancer.
In the preface of this book, the author talks about a call she received from a friend when she was having some personal health problems. The friend called and asked the question “Do you want me to ask you about the CT scan you had this week? I don’t know if you want to talk about it.” In this question, she heard her friend saying that he cared about her, but he also was respectful of her privacy, and that she might not be ready to talk about this.
Another book that people report as extremely helpful is “When Life Becomes Precious” by Elise NeeDell Babcock. It too has great suggestions. CancerCare, a free resource for anyone affected by cancer, also has resources for patients and families wondering what to say. Some helpful tips they recommend include:
- Listen to what the person is saying without being judgmental or being too much of a cheerleader.
- Give advice only when you are asked to do so.
- Educate yourself about cancer so you are more knowledgeable about what your loved one is experiencing.
- Offer help but be specific about the help you can provide.
- Support your loved one’s treatment decisions.
No one said communication was easy. When coupled with a serious illness, it can become a barrier for some, don’t let it be. Keep things simple, for sometimes the simplest response is the best. Make that call or visit your friend or loved one. After all, even if you only listen, they will know you care.
The Community Cancer Center offers a variety of supportive and educational groups and programs, free of charge, to help patients and families cope with cancer and its effects. For more information go to their website at www.cancercenter.org.
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