By Jody Seip, LCSW, The Able Center
“I just don’t know what to do.” “We are lost.” “Our family is falling apart.” “I am getting resentful.” “We can either afford rent or medication.”
These are all statements commonly heard from individuals and families who are experiencing acute or chronic physical and/or mental health problems. Very often by the time someone seeks help, significant damage has already been sustained by the individual or family. But this does not have to be the case. There are ways to alleviate the pain and adjustment issues related to an illness of a family member.
Last month’s article presented the top five issues faced by families who have a loved one going through an illness. Following are some practical suggestions to help address denial, anger, relationship conflict, grief, and isolation.
Denial
We often become afraid when the behaviors or functioning of a family member decline and cause dysfunction in the family rhythm. Because of long held stigmas, we are often reluctant to share the illness and impact with others. Fear that is not expressed can become obsessive and paralyze us from seeking the help and support that we need. Talking with a physician, finding local support groups, telling a clergy person, seeking individual or family counseling with a licensed mental health professional, and educating yourself are all good first steps to addressing the illness and disruptions in the life of your family. A licensed professional in mental health should be able to help you prioritize your needs, guide you towards a resolution, and offer referrals to other resources.
Anger
A common human response when we feel out of control is anger. Blame is often placed on the person who is ill or ourselves. We can become angry with medical professionals. Why didn’t they see a doctor? Why didn’t I notice? What did I do to cause this? How will we survive financially? I don’t want the role of caregiver. In addition to fatigue, resentment, and worry, anger is often the way that our deeper emotions and fears are expressed. Anger allows us to avoid addressing more vulnerable emotions, which can frighten us. Anger allows us, for a short time, to avoid our fears of loss, disruption in family life, financial worries, and communicating our deepest emotions with others. Anger can be addressed with a supportive person and we can be assisted in recognizing the source of our anger. Our energy can then be better funneled into problem solving, adjustment, and growth.
Relationship Conflict
Each person in a family experiences illness and disruption in different ways. When we hold the expectation that others will respond in the way that we do, that they will understand our pain, and that they will provide all of the support we need, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Disagreements regarding plans to manage family illness are common. Does a person need nursing home placement? Should hospice be involved? Is rehab or admission to a mental health facility warranted? What assets are available? One helpful suggestion is to have family discussions related to illness and end of life wishes prior to it being a critical need. This helps us to make decisions and avoid some of the guilt related to making “wrong decisions.” Websites are available to direct us through paperwork and vital information gathering. Family and joint counseling can be very helpful during this time. A mental health professional can assist you in reaching conflict resolution, teach more effective communication skills, and assist you in understanding your emotions while making choices and decisions.
Grief
When a family member is ill, grief can be experienced in many ways. It can be felt as the loss of the familiar, having lost family/social support, or struggling to find a new normal. Many people are surprised at the experience of anticipatory grief. This is grief experienced prior to the death of a family member. This is a normal response. While in this process, it is again important to communicate with family, friends, your church, or a mental health professional. Grief often forces us into isolation, poor self care, and drains us of energy. As family members experience grief in their own way, it is often easier to avoid discussing the loss or impending loss. Often this discussion and reconnection can be facilitated with counseling.
Isolation
When an individual or family is in pain, experiencing the illness of a family member, or is feeling overwhelmed, it is a common response to isolate. While some alone time is necessary for restoration, it is also important to connect with others and bolster support. There are numerous support groups within this community that address education and adjustment to physical and emotional illness and grief. A mental health professional will be able to assist you in locating these groups. Many local churches offer support groups. Because of guilt, fatigue, stigmas and depression related to family illness, reaching out may feel difficult. It is important that we recognize that there is a time to be alone and a time to rejoin the community around us. It is most helpful to connect with someone licensed in the mental health field who is dedicated to treating mind, body and spirit. It is worth the risk to find someone to help you walk out of the darkness and restore family and social relationships.
If you missed last month’s article, you may read it online at www.HealthyCellsBN.com
For more information, contact Jody Seip at The ABLE Center in Bloomington, IL at 309-661-8046. Jody, The ABLE Center staff, and The ABLE Center founder, Dr. Jennifer Huffman, work closely together within one practice, as well as with other community providers, to help individuals and families across a lifespan.
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