By Julia Madden Bozarth, M.A., M.S., LCPC
One of the most common statements made by teens in counseling is, “My parents don’t listen to me.” Interestingly, most parents think the problem is that teens don’t listen. Listening to a young adult requires practice, patience, silence, and inconvenience. A few recommendations to help my kids “hear” me:
- Model self-control.
- The only person I need to control is myself. If I can remain calm and remove myself, I will eventually make a positive impression on my child.
- Avoid giving a tantrum-thrower an audience even if it means removing myself and the other children (to go for a ride). Most tantrum-throwers stop or wind-down more quickly when they don’t have an audience.
- Avoid administering consequences when upset.
- By first modeling self-control, and second removing myself from the offending person, I have given myself time to cool off. When I’m thinking clearly and the situation has calmed down, appropriate consequences can be discussed.
- After things have cooled down, ask the teen or my child what they think would have been a better way to handle the situation. Then, ask the teen or child what an appropriate consequence might be.
- Avoid interfering with natural consequences. Grades are a natural consequence. Detention is a natural consequence. Friends and boyfriends/girlfriends breaking up or getting angry is a natural consequence.
Avoid giving unsolicited advice. If something has been discussed before, and something has to be said, “You already know how I feel about that” can be very powerful. - Reward honesty, even when the teen makes a foolish choice. If a teen calls in the middle of the night because they are, for example, too drunk to drive. I can pick them up, no questions asked and no punishment.
- Let them have the last word. Let it drop. And, get on with what I intended to do.
- Give up lectures. Make sure that my opinion doesn’t run over one minute. Read the old classic, “The One-Minute Parent.” I never listened to my parents’ lectures either.
- “I love you,” stands alone. Do not include phrases like: But, I don’t like your behavior. And, I have to give you consequences… blah, blah, blah.
- Try to remember, it’s not about me — it’s about them and their peers and their present moment.
- Allow them their own expertise. Compliment success. Keep criticisms to myself. Ask them to help with something that they are good at — like electronics.
- Get to know their peers. Restrict none. Have them at the house whenever they want. Supervision is inconvenient, but the best way to know what is important to teens.
- Do not criticize their peers. Learn to ask if he/she (the peer) is ok. If any of the friends are concerned or if my teen is concerned about this peer, is there any way I can help? But, I’m not going to criticize them or boyfriends or girlfriends. I don’t want to make them forbidden fruit or create another Romeo and Juliet.
Finally, remember to ask if they want your opinion before you give it. Or, better yet, wait for them to ask for it. The best way to guarantee that your kids won’t talk to you is to be judgmental. Ask them what they think. Ask them if you can help. And, be prepared for a knock on your bedroom door at 3:00 in the morning, on a weekday, asking you to talk. Parenting is inconvenient. But, those 3:00 a.m. conversations are some of my fondest memories.
Julia Madden Bozarth is the Director of Options, a counseling program to develop options for families with youth at risk for volatility, school problems, and/or mental health issues. Options is one of the programs available at Collaborative Solutions Institute, 200 W. Front St., Suite 400A in Bloomington. For more information on all of their services, call 309-828-2860 or visit them online www.collaborativesolutions.org.
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