By Donzell Lampkins, MSW Candidate at the Community Cancer Center.
The holiday season is a time to spend with family and friends, however, many concerns are raised when spending the holidays with a loved one who has cancer. Remember that your loved one simply wants to be treated the same as they were before their illness. Do this and you will not only alleviate your concerns; you will have a successful holiday with your loved one.
- Be Honest. A loved one with cancer can tell when you are walking on eggshells or intentionally dodging them. Instead of doing this, schedule a date and time to have an open conversation with them in person to address the “Big Elephant” in the room. Having this conversation will give your loved one a chance to express dos and don’ts, so you don’t have to play the guessing game. This is also a chance for you to ask questions or express concerns that you may have.
- Include Them. Your loved one is alive and alert, so they know when plans are made and they were not included. No one wants to be left out. Depending on their condition, ask them if they want to join you. Don’t place assumptions on them, rather give them a chance to decide whether they attend or not. Even if they do not want to or cannot participate, they will appreciate the fact that they were included in the plans.
- Assign Tasks. Everyone wants to contribute during the holiday season, yet someone may decide that your loved one should not be doing anything. This is a huge misconception. Many individuals with cancer want to feel “in control” and contribute to the festivities, so give them a task. Even if it is something as small as them picking out the Christmas tree ornaments with the kids or setting the dinner table, they will feel purposeful and happy that they were able to contribute to a successful holiday event.
- Remember Who They Are. Family and friends may sometimes forget that their loved one was once a great teacher who loved their students or a talented musician that played for an audience of hundreds. Find ways to engage them in the things that they love to do that they may not be able to do at this time. For instance, if your loved one loves to cook but cannot, watch their favorite cooking show with them or introduce them to a new one. Engaging them in the activities they love will make them feel as though they are themselves and that you don’t view them as their illness. It may even provide hope that they will one day resume those activities they love.
- Love Them. Don’t act like they are a stranger. This is someone that you know and love dearly. Check in with them and be what they need in that moment. If they are sad, don’t try to cheer them up. Let them express their sadness and fully support them. If they are angry, let them release that anger instead of bottling it up. Allowing them to be authentic will mean more to them than you’ll ever know.
The Community Cancer Center offers a variety of supportive and educational groups and programs, free of charge, to help patients and families cope with cancer and its effects. For more information go to their website at www.cancercenter.org.