Six million men are diagnosed with depression each year in America, and they account for 79 percent of suicides in the United States. These are shocking statistics. Author Graeme Cowan provides advice for loved ones on how to encourage the men in your life to get the mental health care they need, and explains why this may be easier said than done.
“Boys grow up to be men with the understanding and expectation that they need to be tough, independent, and above all else, masculine,” says Graeme Cowan, author of Back from the Brink: True Stories and Practical Help for Overcoming Depression and Bipolar Disorder. “Unfortunately, this focus on masculinity and the notion that men should just ‘man up’ when they feel anxious, depressed, sad, stressed, and so on, is very damaging.”
In Back from the Brink, he writes about his own experiences of multiple suicide attempts and five-year episode of severe depression. The book is filled with real stories of hope and healing, information about treatment options and medication, and tools for putting the book’s lessons into practice.
“During my depression, I completely lost hope that I could ever recover,” says Cowan. “And I struggled to ask for the help I needed. I was terrible at showing and sharing my emotions, and much of my inability to do so came from the fear that I would be looked at as weak if I didn’t just grin and bear the mental health problems I was having.”
Cowan notes that he was far from alone in his reluctance to seek care for his depression. In fact, in an American Academy of Family Physicians survey conducted by Harris Interactive, 58 percent of men said they were reluctant to see a doctor.
Why is this so? One of the most credited theories is that men have been socialized to be self-sufficient. They find it especially difficult to ask for help when it comes to taking care of their mental health.
So, what’s the solution? Cowan says it’s a strong support system.
“Nearly 80 percent of men say their spouse/significant other influences their decision to go to the doctor,” says Cowan. “One of the most common questions I get asked is ‘How can I get my husband/boyfriend/son to seek help when they deny they need it?’”
Here, Cowan provides tips on how you can encourage the men in your life to seek mental health care:
• Break the ice. Be careful about how you approach this (very) touchy subject. Ease into the conversation, discuss the weather, sports, family, etc. in a private place — walking outside is ideal. Make an observation about a change in behavior you have observed. For example, you could say, ‘I’m concerned about you waking up at 4 a.m. and not being able to get back to sleep.’ Let him know you’re genuinely worried about him and want to do whatever you can to help. And reaffirm that it’s okay for him to need help.”
• Listen without judgment. It’s hard enough for men to talk about their problems and emotions without feeling the weight of judgment. “Seek to understand the full issue,” advises Cowan. “And be specific. You might ask, ‘What are the things that are causing you to lose sleep?’ ‘Why does that worry you so much?’ ‘What do you think can be done about it?’ ‘Have you considered asking someone else for help/advice?’ If he is struggling to come up with answers, then this might be the time to suggest strategies or someone else he could talk to. If he is able to provide answers, be careful how you respond. Never try to minimize what he’s feeling.”
• Be sensitive. “Accept that for many men it is very hard to talk about emotions and feelings of doubt and inadequacy. It is best to talk about behavior rather than threaten his self-esteem.”
• Try multiple choice. Most people like choices, and when it comes to labeling an emotion, it’s no different. Men may be more likely to discuss their thoughts if they don’t have to describe it. “People who are depressed yearn for a sustained improvement in mood,” notes Cowan. “Every time I visited my psychiatrist, he inevitably asked me to rate my mood from 0 to 10, which actually led me to create my own moodometer. I found giving these ratings to be a very valuable resource for tracking my moods and progress. If a man has difficulty discussing feelings, he may respond better to giving this type of rating or even multiple choice. For example, ‘Are you feeling worried, sad, or angry right now?’”
• Give hope. Emotional support and reassurance is the only way to approach such a delicate situation. “You can make the male ego work in your favor here by reminding him of past successes,” Cowan comments. “You could say, ‘Remember how well you handled X? We couldn’t have gotten through that without you.’ Or, ‘You are such an important part of our family. Without you, we wouldn’t be the same.’”
• Encourage action (but don’t overdo it). Offer to make an appointment for them (and accompany them if they are willing). If they strongly resist going to the doctor, you could suggest they do an anonymous online depression test. For further guidance, you can visit www.ruokday.com, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org), Families for Depression Awareness (www.familyaware.org), and many other online resources. Remember that nothing will happen until someone makes a move.
• Follow up. Check in a few days later to see if he has scheduled an appointment. If he hasn’t, mention the idea again and gently remind him how important it is to take care of himself. If he has gone to the doctor for a checkup, encourage him to go ahead and schedule his next appointment so you can have it on the calendar.
“I’ve found that an incredibly important way to assist and influence those who are suffering is to build knowledge of what they’re going through,” says Cowan. “Check in with the men in your life — husband, boyfriend, son — just ask them how they’re doing and feeling. It could be the most important conversation you ever have with them.”
Graeme Cowan is the author of Back from the Brink: True Stories and Practical Help for Overcoming Depression and Bipolar Disorder (New Harbinger Publications, Inc., www.IAmBackFromTheBrink.com). He is also a speaker who helps people build their resilience, well-being, and performance.
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