By Gregory J. Skibinski, Executive Director, Agape Counseling Ltd.
When I meet with a couple for the first time, they often inform me that the reason they are in my office is for communication issues in their relationship. When I ask them to tell me more about their relationship, the common response is that they don’t communicate very well or they’ve forgotten how. It doesn’t take me long to realize that they can indeed communicate very well. They, as well as many other couples, have lost one of the key essential features in their relationship: they have lost the ability to be vulnerable with one another.
Vulnerability is essential for healthy relationships. It sounds easy, but it is often difficult. Vulnerability is what makes us feel uncomfortable and for some, especially guys, vulnerability is often associated with being weak. In reality, it’s a strength. According to Brené Brown, learning to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability gives birth to the feelings of joy, gratitude, and happiness. Instead, when our lives start to get messy, we often clam up and hold onto all the things that are causing the discomfort. If we can take the risk and share what is really going on and learn to work through the messiness or the painful parts, that resilience is what will strengthen the bond of the relationship.
We all have the feeling or the desire to be a part of something, to be included, or to belong. When we resist vulnerability, it doesn’t allow our true self to be seen. It makes us less authentic. The struggle to be vulnerable and to be seen is one that is often quite scary for most.
Nobody really wants to talk about it. However, when we are authentic and vulnerable with others, and allow our guard to be down, the congruency that we feel flows out of our pores and it deepens our relationships. It moves people from a superficial status-quo conversation to one that has a deeper meaning and connection.
The ultimate goal is to develop and maintain emotional intimacy. When emotional intimacy exists, so does the strong bond between partners. Emotional intimacy is like a beef stew. It is made up of many ingredients that, when mixed together, all contribute to the overall flavor. Vulnerability allows us to have that conversation and reinforces the bond that is emotional intimacy.
Five keys to increase emotional intimacy and vulnerability within your relationship
- Make amends early and often. When you know you have done or said something wrong, admit it and move on. Why hold on to the yuck?
- Go easy on the other person. When your emotions are high, take a breath and try to react in a way that you would like someone to respond to you. Taking that one simple breath can make a huge difference and may prevent you from saying something you didn’t mean.
- Make sure you have a good understanding of why the other person is feeling the way they do and be prepared to listen. Learn to turn off the internal dialogue and be present in what your partner is saying. Try to understand their point or feelings before jumping in with yours.
- Learn each other’s love language. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a terrific book that explores and helps you to understand your own love language as well as your partner’s. Things go better when each person makes frequent emotional deposits into each other’s “Love Tank.”
- Be willing to be vulnerable. Dr. Ted Huston at the University of Texas examined divorce rates and predictors and concluded, “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing emotional responsiveness.”
Our inability to be vulnerable limits our ability to experience the feelings of trust, joy, creativity, love, and belonging. We perceive vulnerability as a weakness, yet every superhero has a weakness. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it allows for growth in our connections with others. Be the superhero and take the vulnerability leap into your relationship.
Gregory J. Skibinski LCPC,CADC,CSAT,CMAT, is the Executive Director of Agape Counseling, Ltd. For more information or to schedule a consultation, please contact them at 309-663-2229. They are a group of Christian counselors, social workers, psychologists and support staff committed to a therapeutic process which ministers to the whole person. Their Bloomington office is located at 211 N. Veterans Parkway, (next to Krispy Kreme). They also have offices in Peoria and Morton. Visit them online at www.agapecounselors.net.