By Julia Madden Bozarth, MA, MS, LCPC, Collaborative Solutions Institute
Bloomington-Normal is a transitioning community. ISU, IWU, State Farm, grade schools, middle schools, high schools, redistricting, even the population that moves here from other parts of the state, contribute to the diversity and constant growth of this community.
Transitions can be both exciting and frightening—a lot depends on the circumstances. Growth can be both stimulating and disconcerting. Change is constant and inconsistent. As parents, we are the first line of defense for the chaos of our children’s lives. Some of the basics in supportive communication are necessary in successfully transitioning your child into any different situation.
- Avoid mind reading and assumptions—ask your child to tell you how he/she feels.
- Do not minimize or catastrophize their feelings—tell them that you understand how they feel. Ask them to clarify their feelings, if you do not understand.
- Do not disagree with their right to these feelings.
- Ask them how you can help.
- Provide them with hope. Tell them that it will get better. Tell them that you will help them get through it.
- Brainstorm with your child about solutions or directions to head.
- Start to create a “network of support.”
- Avoid telling them that they should be happy or grateful.
- Avoid telling them that you are unhappy. Telling them that it can be a little tough for you, too—may help them understand that everybody is adjusting—but, avoid making the transition about you or any other family member.
- Plan to give extra time to your child. Brief discussions about their day, bike rides, walking the dog, movies, going to the bookstore for a drink and a book—be creative, flexible, and available.
- Look for others with like interests.
- Look into church groups, sports, clubs—anything that your child will actually enjoy.
- Create a network of support with favorite family members and friends.
- Be open to having your child’s new acquaintances over for pizza, games, and sleepovers.
If there is a dramatic change in behavior which might include: sleeplessness or insomnia, intense emotional responses or mood swings, major changes in appetite, isolating behaviors, or clinginess and fear of moving on—you may want to discuss the situation with the school guidance counselor and new teachers, your minister/priest/rabbi, your child’s physician, or a professional counselor.
Some children transition relatively easily. Others have a more difficult time letting go of the loss of their previous situation. Assist your child in staying in touch with old friends and family. And remember, transitions occur at every stage in life. Remind your child that the one thing that will never change is your love.
Julia Madden Bozarth is the Director of Options, a counseling program to develop options for families with youth at risk for volatility, school problems, and/or mental health issues. Options is one of the programs available at Collaborative Solutions Institute, 200 W. Front St., Suite 400A in Bloomington. For more information on all of their services, call 309-828-2860 or visit them online www.collaborativesolutions.org.